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Home Made Jingles 



By GRACE SORENSON 



First Edition 



1908 

DOUGLAS PRINTING CO. 
OMAHA, NEBR. 



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uiKASY of C0NaF.£3S* 
fwc Cooies Mece^vjij 

MAP. 19 1908 



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loLiSS 4 

I com B. 



Entered according to act of Congress in the year 1908, by 

Grace Sorenson, in the office of the Librarian 

of Congress at Washington, D. C 



PROEM. 

'Twas not my fault that I was born 

With jingles on my brain. 
Because I've ground some out, please don't 

Consider me insane. 
Altho' I think I would have been 

Unbalanced by this time, 
If I had not thus gained relief 

From their continual chime. 

And so, my readers, here they are, 

Put down in black and white, 
And if you like them, good and well, 

Or if you don't, all right. 
Do not complain, if in your ears. 

You sometimes hear them ring; — 
'Tis only fair that you should share 

My jingles' jing-a-ling. 

Don't criticise the subjects which 

I've been obliged to use : — 
I had no opportunity 

Alore lofty ones to choose. 
As I was late in getting here. 

Not much was left for me, 
For greedy poets had grabbed all 

Good themes for poetry. 

But since I've done my best, I hope 

Some credit will be earned; — 
My verses are machine-made, yes 

But I'm the crank that's turned. 
I would have written brilliant prose 

Of highest type instead. 
But all my thoughts are measured by 

A meter in my head. 



d^THE JINGLES IN THIS 
VOLUME WERE ORIGIN- 
ALLY PUBLISHED IN THE 
OMAHA WORLD - H E RALD . 



CONTENTS 



Page 

Dishes and Men 11 

A Lullaby 13 

Modern Surgery 15 

The Grandma of Today 16 

A Common Type 18 

An Honest Agent 20 

Those Sales 23 

When Papa's Sick 24 

After the Ball 26 

Leap Year 27 

Pins 29 

Too Slow For Him 30 

Missionary Work 31 

Rare, Indeed 33 

Dancing and Churches . . 35 

Exclusive 36 

Liberty 37 

Affinities 39 

For Art's Sake 40 

Bells 41 

The Limit 43 

They 44 

The Hurry Age 45 

Santa Speaks 47 

A Debutante 49 

Cold Storage 50 

Swoopers 51 

Musical Appreciation 53 



Page 

To A Silk Petticoat 54 

Winter Thoughts 55 

A Daily Scene 57 

Her Fate 59 

Hold Ups 61 

To Those Who Smoke 63 

Ancestors 64 

His Gift 66 

A Broken Resolve 68 

Up To Date 70 

No Escape 71 

Christmas Junk 73 

Microbes 74 

Curtain Calls 75 

Roses and Ferns 77 

Worth Seeing 79 

Spiritualism 80 

A Mistake 82 

The Coupon Craze 83 

Kissing the Bride 84 

White Lies 86 

A Classical Composition 88 

Real Sorrow 89 

A Sonnet to a Grouch 90 

Early Christmas Shopping 91 

Grunters 92 

His Photo 94 

From Mars 95 

Office Furniture 97 

Worry 98 

One Kind of Truth 101 

The Only Way 102 

Which Creed? 103 

The Street Car Hog 105 

Suicide 106 

Practical Advice 108 

Economy in Living 109 

Houses and Children 110 

Accommodating 112 

His Motive 113 

Reflections 114 



Page 

A Change of Faith 115 

Dish Washing 117 

Their Stupidity 119 

Teddy Bears 121 

An Unwelcome Visitor 123 

Not Easy Street 125 

Palmistry 127 

Public Manners 129 

The Same Old Story 131 

Autumn Leaves' 133 

Naming the Baby 135 

Do It Now 187 

Post Cards 138 

Gumology 141 

His Family 142 

His Exhibit 143 

The Value of Poverty 144 

A Dishonest Grocer 146 

Just the Thing 147 

His Boast 149 

Policy 150 

Nobody Cared 152 

Before Christmas 153 

The Umbrella Plant 155 

A Psalm of Money 156 

Price Marks 158 

The New Year 160 

Free Advice 162 

Blue Sundays 164 

Knowledge 166 

A Scorcher 168 

A Question 169 

Unmask ! 171 

Brain Food 173 

Transmigration of Souls 174 

Affectation 176 

Going, Not Gone 178 

Not For Me 180 

Made Over 182 

If George Could Speak 183 

My New Mamma 185 

Vaccination 187 

Fall Millinery 188 



Home Made Jingles 



Home Made Jingles 



DISHES AND MEN. 

"I wonder if you've ever thought 

That dishes are hke men? 
If not, perhaps you'd Hke to learn 

Of their resemblance then. 

Now there are common dishes that 
Are plain, but good and strong, 

And in the kitchen or upon 
The pantry shelf belong, 

While all the more expensive ones. 
Decked out in flow'rs and gold. 

Sit proudly round the wall or in 
The china cabinet, bold. 

For family use, the common ones 
Must serve three meals a day, 

And when their work is done, they are 
At once all put away. 

And all the time the Haviland 

Is sitting idly there. 
Except on swell occasions when 

It's spread around with care. 



12 HOME MADE JINGLES 

Ah, is it not with men the same? 

The common class must toil, 
While all their high-toned brothers are 

Afraid their hands to soil. 

The world looks on and praises those 
Who make a grand display, 

But those who've done the hardest work. 
Unknown, unseen must stay. 

And yet there's consolation for 
The poor but honest folk, — 

E'en Haviland and millionaires 
Are useless when they're broke. 

There's just one thing that I regret, 

Which is a well known fact, — 
They both are often kept about 
Long after they are cracked. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 13 

A LULLABY. 

Go to sleep, my baby, 

Shut your little eyes, 
Let your papa sooth you 

With his weary sighs. 
Lose yourself in slumber 

Here on daddy's breast. 
Let this poor, old fellow 

Have a little rest. 
Mamma is away, dear, 

So you mustn't fight — 
She is playing bridge now 

Ev'ry other night. 

Chorus — 

Hush a bye, my baby. 

Chase away that scowl — 
For it is a prelude 

To another howl. 
There's no use in crying, 

Tho' few things are worse 
Than a bridge-fiend mother 

And a whiskered nurse. 
But when you are married 

Then real woe begins. 
Hush a bye, my baby, 

I'm glad you're not twins. 



14 HOME MADE JINGLES 

When you grow to manhood, 

If you ever do, 
Then you'll understand, pet. 

How I feel toward you. 
I should like to stuff you 

Full of cotton so 
You would keep those bellows 

To yourself, you know, 
For you sound just like a 

Young deserted calf. 
I believe you've swallowed 

A cheap phonograph. 

Hurry up to sleep now. 

Shut those blubb'ring eyes. 
Mamma soon will be here 

Gushing o'er her prize. 
Then you'll wake up wider, 

And ril get abuse. 
She will crossly tell me 

That I am no use. 
If you do not fasten 

Those small lips real tight, 
I'll insert a capsule 

Filled with dvnamite. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 15 



MODERN SURGERY. 

"What are you doing there, my son, 

Upon the parlor floor ? 
I'm very sure I never saw 

You still so long before." 

The doctor then in anger cried : 
"What mischief have you done? 

You've cut my dictionary up ! 
I do not like such fun." 

"Why, papa," said the little boy, 

"I'm playing I am you. 
And so an operation, dad, 

I really had to do. 

"This book, I played was pale because 
You know it's never read ; 

I was afraid that it Vv^as ill 
And some day might be dead. 

"And so I opened it right up, 

For I have heard you say 
That operations always bring 

The surgeon's greatest pay. 

"And, papa, tho' I didn't know 

Just what I was about, 
I saw a big appendix there 

And straightway cut it out." 



i6 HOME MADE JINGLES 



THE GRANDMA OF TODAY. 

Where have the old grandmothers gone 

Who used to sit all day 
Beside the fire and calmly knit 

The sunny hours away, 

While little children played about, 

Or sat upon their laps, 
And pulled the locks of snowy hair 

That fell beneath their caps? 

How sweet it was to listen to 

The stories grandma told, 
Which always sounded new again 

Altho' so very old. 

How good it seemed when all went wrong 

Tho' you had done your best. 
To have a big, old-fashioned cry 

On dearest grandma's breast. 

But where, oh, where have they all gone — 

These grandmas of the past? 
I've hunted for them far and wide 

But given up at last. 



HOME MADE JIXGLES 17 

The grandma of today is young, 

At least she tries to be; — 
Unless you look real close at her, 

No gray hairs can you see. 

No longer now a little cap 

Is resting on her head ; 
She wears a fine Parisian hat 

Of latest style instead. 

She does not knit beside the fire 

For that is much too tame ; 
If there is any fun at hand, 

Dear grandma's in the game. 

You see her at the theater 

You meet her on the links, 
Competing with the high school girls, 

In all her frills and kinks. 

And in an auto she will tear 

So fast along the street, 
It isn't safe for boys and girls 

Their grandmiammas to meet. 



i8 HOME MADE JIXGLES 

A COMMOX TYPE. 

I've obsen-ed that many persons 

Like to boast of what they've done, 
And to tell of all their virtues 

And the places where they've gone, 
Never thinking- that they bore you. 

Never seeing you are tired, 
But just wanting their achievements 

To be known and then admired. 

It is hard to get a word in. 

The' 3-0U try with might and main. 
As to stop their tongues a moment 

Is to give these people pain. 
If you should by some mianeuver 

Their loud blowing once suppress, 
You would feel remorse and pity 

\Mien you savr their great distress. 

So it's best to sit and listen, 

Resignation on your face. 
If vrithin their friendship circle 

You would keep your honored place. 
As they have no use for persons 

Who their ego channels clog, 
And v.ho spoil v>-ith interruptions 

Their perpetual m.onologue. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 19 

But I think they oug-ht to pay us 

For the patience that we show — 
We display a heroism 

Of the martyrs long ago. 
Now if we could have a penny 

For each time they used an "I," 
All our earthly needs and longings 

We could shortly satisfy. 

Like electric fans these persons 

Can be felt just when they blow. 
That is why in constant motion 

They both keep hot air, you know. 
But the former are the better, 

For when we have had enough, 
We can gently press a button 

And the empty blast turn off. 



20 HOME MADE JINGLES 

AN HONEST AGENT. 

'T will not take a moment of your time," 

The agent said, "but I 
Have here a preparation which I'd like 

So much to have you try." 
The busy housewife shook her head and frowned. 

''You cannot interest me," 
She snapped in crossest tone and then she said, 

'T'm cleaning house, you see." 

'T beg your pardon, madam, but I'm sure 

You never will regret 
The purchase of this simple remedy — 

The best discovered yet. 
It will remove the wrinkles from your brow 

And make you young once more." 
The agent was advancing and he now 

Had gained the parlor door. 

A look of darkest anger shone upon 

The housewife's dried-up face. 
She shook her fist and said, "Look here, young man, 

I'll have you know your place ! 
Not once before in all my life have I 

By any one been told 
That I am wrinkled in the least, or that 

I now am growing old." 



HOME MADE JINGLES 21 

"Again I ask your pardon, ma'am, for I 

Intended no offense. 
A man you know is often lacking in 

A little common sense. 
I don't deny that you are young, of course. 

This drug, I meant to say, 
Will keep you from becoming older than 

You are this very day." 

The housewife quickly seized the bottle and 

Said, "That's remarkable. 
And yet it hardly seems to me that it 

Is very reas'nable. 
If you can prove that what you say is true, 

A bottle I will buy. 
Please give me names of customers who can 

Its value testify." 

"Ah, that is eas'ly done," the agent said. 

"The fifteenth of last May, 
I sold two of my largest bottles at 

The house across the way. 
Yes, Mrs. Green and Mrs. Browne both said 

My tonic must be great. 
You see to give good names I am not forced 

To lie or hesitate." 



HOME MADE JINGLES 

The housewife cried in tones of horror then, 

''Your tonic they both tried? 
Ah, that explains the reason why next day 

Both of my neighbors died." 
"What better testimony do you want?" 

The agent had grown bold. 
''Did I not tell you that my tonic would 

Keep one from growing old?" 



HOME MADE JINGLES 23 

THOSE SALES. 

I'll have to move away from town 

Or bankrupt I shall be, 
For ev'ry time there is a sale 

My wife holds up poor me. 

I used to breakfast quite in peace 

Before the sales began, 
And did not realize I was 

A very happy man. 

But now I must arise at six 

And help prepare the food, 
Or else in tears my wife will say 

I am no earthly good. 

And then at night, when I come home. 

There is a grand display 
Of ribbons, laces, waists and skirts 

And ev'rything that's gay. 

''Just see," she says, "how much I've made; 

These things that were so steep 
I bought for just half price, my dear, 

And that you know is cheap. 

"I didn't need them — no, not all, 

But then you know I may, 
And it is right I should look out 

For some cold, rainy day." 

Alas, that day will surely come. 

And bargains will we own, 
But when it comes to cold, hard cash 

I fear that we'll have none. 



24 HOME MADE JINGLES 

WHEN PAPA'S SICK. 

When papa's sick, it's awful at our house. 

I always want to run away, 
'Cause I don't like to keep still as a mouse 

An' hear him grunt an' groan all day. 
An' up an' down the stairs he makes us go 

'Most ev'ry second, an' then some, 
To bring him things, an' then he says we're slow, 

But we must grin an' just keep mum. 

When mamma's sick, she doesn't act like that; 

She only smiles and says she will 
Be all right soon, an' then my head she'll pat, 

An' say, "You needn't be so still." 
But I just think she suffers more than dad, 

'Cause I have watched her thin, white face, 
An' I've seen wrinkles come a-creepin' sad, 

An' sit down in her smile's old place. 

My papa takes the cake for makin' noise. 

Gee whiz ! the way he always swears 
Is most enough to give such little boys 

As me a lot of awful scares. 
If he was pigs or hogs a-bein' killed 

He wouldn't sound a bit more worse, 
'Cause, when a house is full of screams, it's filled 

As full as it can be, of course. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 25 

An' papa is so 'fraid that he will die 

Most ev'ry time that he gets sick. 
It's queer the way he gets religion. My! 

He gets a stack of it so quick. 
But he ain't got the really, truly kind 

Like mamma's got, an' gives to me, 
'Cause, when he's well, I'm pretty sure his mind 

Ain't got no use for piety. 

An' when my papa goes an' gets a chill, 

You ought to see how he can shake. 
The bedclothes look just like a little hill 

That's tremblin' with a bad earthquake. 
One day I thought I'd comfort him, an' said, 

"Dear papa, you will nevermore 
Be havin' chills, I know, when you are dead." 

I wonder why my papa swore ? • 



26 HOME MADE JINGLES 



AFTER THE BALL. 

How wearily she climbed the stairs 
And sighed, "Vm almost dead ! 

I'm glad it's over so that I 
In peace can go to bed." 

She laid her stunning hat and gown 

Upon a rocking chair, 
And then she carefully took off 

Her wealth of golden hair. 

She left her eyebrows on a towel, 
And her complexion pink 

She let go whirling round the bowl 
And down the drain pipe sink. 

She put her glasses in their case, 

And, on a shelf beneath, 
She laid her beautiful new set 

Of pearly, well-kept teeth. 

She took her dainty slippers off 
And said, ''How small I feel! 

Most of my height I left within 
That wonderful French heel." 

And when she went to get in bed 

She hunted ev'rywhere, 
But could not find herself at all, 

Because she wasn't there. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 27 



LEAP YEAR. 

Once more, dear maiden, yes, once more, 

The time for you is here, 
So now brace up and take new life, 

And greet this glad leap year. 

If you've been slighted in the past. 

The bygones all forget, 
Since there's an opportunity 

To be a Mrs. yet. 

Don't let this happy chance slip by. 

Or you will feel remorse. 
Go ask some man to take your hand 

For better or for worse. 

The woods are full of men who would 

Be happy, goodness knows, 
If some old girls should seek them out 

This leap year and propose. 

For they've abandoned ev'ry hope 

Of roping in good wives, 
And settled down resignedly 

To lonesome bach'lor lives. 



28 HOME MADE JINGLES 

On each new crop of pretty girls 
They've wasted precious hours, 

And spent a fortune in bonbons 
And fragrant hothouse flowers. 

But after all their efforts, they 
Were turned out in the cold, 

And not to show themselves again 
Were very frankly told. 

Ah, pity these forlorn old men, 
Dear women who are left, 

For many dozen times their hearts 
In pieces have been cleft. 

They're on the bargain counter now, 
With prices very cheap. 

So pop the question and find out 
Why this year is called leap. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 29 

PINS. 

I wonder if you've ever thought 

Tho' many thousand pins you've bought. 

Your stock is often low? 
And to your mind is it made clear 
Why all the pins soon disappear, 

Or don't you care to know? 

You say you drop them at your feet, 
Upon the floor or in the street, 

But don't you wonder why 
The millions of them lost each day 
Do not obstruct the public way 

And prick the passer-by? 

I often thought the matter o'er, 
But grew no wiser than before, 

In spite of all my pains. 
So I decided it was best 
To let such weighty matters rest 

With stronger, better brains. 

At last an article I read, 

In which the brilliant writer said 

In words that sounded well, 
That why all pins go from our view 
Before with them we are quite thro'. 

The reason he could tell. 

He said when pins are left exposed 
To air, they soon are decomposed 

And to their native form return. 
Now if his statement is all right 
Upon the weather it throws light — 

Why air is sharp we learn. 



30 HOME MADE JINGLES 



TOO SLOW FOR HIM. 

"Fve got no use for colleges," 
Old Farmer Greenleaf said, 

*'An' I know lots about 'em, too." 
He slowly shook his head. 

''Now my son Oscar spent four years 
Away back east somewhere, 

I cannot think just where he was. 
What's more I do not care. 

"He was real sensible when he 
First went away to school, 

But when he came back home again, 
He was a first-class fool, 

"For when I asked what he learned at 

The university, 
He said, 'Why, dad, behind my name 

I now can write A. B.' 

'T swore at him an' said, 'That's all 
The cash from me you'll get. 

Fd think by this time you could write 
The whole darned alphabet.' " 



HOME MADE JINGLES 31 

MISSIONARY WORK. 

Going off to foreign countries, 

Trying heathen souls to sav^e, 
Is a sacrifice that's noble, 

Is, of course, an act that's brave ; 
Or to toil in slums and fact'ries 

With the lowly and oppressed 
Is a kind of work that brings us, 

Of results, the very best. 

Yet sometimes I can't help wond'ring 

If these people ought to be 
Objects of our time and money. 

Taking all our charity; 
For the Bible emphasizes 

That the poor will win rewards, 
But the rich must be contented 

With their present earthly hoards. 

And it's true that oft the wealthy 

Are more wicked than the poor, 
For their money brings temptations 

Which their souls cannot endure. 
And their many, many idols 

Made of silver and of gold 
Will at last be found quite useless 

W^hen their funeral bells are tolled. 



32 HOME MADE JINGLES 

Heaven's gate will not admit them 

And they'll cry out in despair, 
Wishing that the missionaries 

Of their souls had taken care. 
Therefore, we should not go slumming 

Or in foreign countries roam. 
Till we've given our attention 

To the heathen here at home. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 33 



RARE, INDEED. 

St. Peter looked at him and said, 

''I am surprised that you 
Should have the nerve to class yourself 

Among the chosen few. 

"Why have you come to heaven's gate 

With such a hopeful face ? 
Is it because you think at last 

I'll give you three days' grace? 

"There is no record by your nam.e. 
Of good deeds you have done — 

And you had ample time on earth 
For charity, my son. 

"So do not try to argue here, 

Nor what I've said dispute. 
But take this shovel on your back 

And quickly shoot the chute !" 

"But, sir," the young man bravely said, 
There's one thing you should know, 

And, when I tell you what it is. 
Upon my word I'll go. 



34 HOME MADE JINGLES 

"I've been a selfish man, but this 
One act my soul may save — 

Last week, upon the car, my seat, 
Up to a girl I gave." 

''Come in! Come in!" St. Peter cried, 
'Tm glad to welcome you, 

For men who do such things as that 
Are nowadays quite few." 

The young man added, 'neath his breath, 
''Oh, yes, indeed, they are ; 

I did it just because I was 
About to leave the car." 



HOME MADE JINGLES 35 

DANCING AND CHURCHES. 

The minister who sanctions dancing 
In modern thought is far advancing, 

In spite of all the censure he receives. 
He knows old fogies all abhor it, 
That up-to-daters all adore it, 

Yet it has many virtues he believes. 

He thinks that youth should have full measure 
Of innocent and healthful pleasure; 

That dancing is a splendid exercise, 
And so he sees no good objection 
To giving both his strong protection, 

Altho' he's viewed by many scornful eyes. 

He is correct in his surmises 
That, if he widely advertises 

The fact his church each month will give a dance, 
The flock of sheep within his pasture 
Will seek the fold and seek it faster 

And gladly round the shepherd they will prance. 

He understands that very often 
His people have no souls to soften 

And they'd prefer to linger on the street. 
If he would not some way allure them 
And by his strategy secure them 

Attraction for the soles upon their feet. 



36 HOME MADE JINGLES 



EXCLUSIVE. 

She was exclusive all her life — 

Exclusive as could be — 
But why she was nobody knew; 

It was a mystery. 

Of course, some people thought she was 

Aristocratic, so 
To climb her lofty heights they were 

Thro' ice all glad to go. 

But when they'd reach her pinnacle 

They'd sigh in real despair ; 
In spite of their great efforts, they 

Would find so little there. 

And yet they felt quite honored that 

They knew her after all; 
But it was sad to see how some 

At her command would crawl. 

But when she took the smallpox then 

Her friends kept far away. 
They knew she was exclusive and 

Exclusive she could stay. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 37 



LIBERTY. 

It is so diff'rent at our house 

From what it used to be, 
But I ain't kickin' — not a bit, 

Because it just suits me. 

There's lots of dust upon the chairs 

And in the corners, too. 
And not a single window can 

You see the sunshine thro'. 

There are great cobwebs on the walls 

The spiders all have m.ade, 
But when the curtains are pulled down, 

They're hidden in the shade. 

And in the sink the dishes are 

Piled high as Gild'roy's kite, 
For papa only washes them 

'Most ev'ry other night, 

As, when he comes home from his work, 

The beds he has to make, 
And then he's spendin' lots of time 

In learnin' how to bake. 



38 HOME MADE JINGLES 

My face is dirty as can be, 
My trousers are all torn, 

And for two weeks, at least, I'm sure, 
This ragged shirt I've worn. 

I have the toughest boys for friends, 
Who swear and smoke and chew, 

And when I'm with the gang, you bet, 
I always do it, too. 

I used to say my prayers each night 
Beside my mamma's knee, 

But I don't say them any more. 
And I am glad — oh, gee ! 

Not long ago I was a boy 

Without a privilege. 
But now I do whate'er I please, 

While mamma's playin' bridge. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 39 

AFFINITIES. 

Affinity is much too tame, 

We ought to find a better name 

To give this modern animal, 
For it's as wild as it can be 
And cares not for propriety 

And of its kind the woods are full. 

It has a human form, some say. 
But made of very comm^on clay 

And has no sign of soul to lose. 
Perhaps that's why it feels so free 
To take unbounded liberty 

In doing just what it may choose. 

Thro' all the country now it roams, 
Destroying fast the finest homes. 

It enters almost any place, 
For always it knows how to wear 
A harmless and a charming air. 

Deceiving all with subtle grace. 

But while it is allowed to lurk 
Around the home, it's deadly work 
Is done. And swift it bears away, 
Unheeding prayers and tears and sighs 
And laughing at heart-broken cries, 
Its coveted and precious prey. 

So men and women, it is right — 
Domestic animals can bite — 

To watch and guard your families. 
Beware of home made blonds so sweet 
And smooth-faced grandpas whom you meet. 

For they are oft affinities. 



40 HOME MADE JINGLES 

FOR ART'S SAKE. 

In social doings she would not 
The slightest interest take, 

For she preferred to study hard 
And practice for art's sake. 

Her girlhood years all rolled away 

And she was twenty-one, 
But still she'd rather work all day 

Than have a bit of fun. 

When she was graduated from 
A music school back east, 

A good foundation then she felt 
She had secured, at least. 

"With this diploma now I can 

Some earnest work begin, 
I'll teach a while," she said, "and then 

I'll study in Berlin." 

In just a year she'd earned enough 

To cross the ocean blue. 
For art's sake, she had labored hard 

But still had m.uch to do. 

Upon the boat she met a man 

Whose name was Arthur White, 

And on the deck they used to sit 
And watch the stars each night. 

And now she still is working hard. 

And tho' she has to bake, 
And sew and wash and mend and scrub, 

She does it for Art's sake. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 41 

BELLS. 

In early childhood days 

He heard the school bells ring, 
And he disliked to hear 

Their jing-a-ling-a-ling. 
Each week on Sabbath morn, 

The church bells loudly would 
Remind him of the fact 

He was not very good. 
In youth he took his girl 

Out riding in a sleigh, 
But, oh, those horrid bells 

Drove all his fun away. 
When wedding bells proclaimed 

That they were man and wife, 
A lot of other bells 

Came ringing in his life. 
The baby very soon 

Had bells upon her toys, 
And made her papa grow 

Quite frantic with the noise. 
He'd darkly frown each time 

The telephone bell rang. 
He could not stand to hear 

The street car's ugly clang. 
The door bell set him wild 



42 HOME MADE JINGLES 

Each time he heard its call, 
For he was sure that he 

Despised it most of all. 
That anything could ring 

He now felt pretty sure — 
This thought so full of pain 

He hardly could endure. 
Each time his busy wife 

To do the washing chose, 
She'd stand beside the tub 

And wring and wring the clothes. 
And almost ev'ry week 

He wrung a chicken's neck. 
No wonder that he was 

Almost a nervous wreck! 
He later wrung his hands. 

For how his heart was wrung, 
Whene'er the praises of 

His lovely child were sung. 
The poor man feared what I 

Am now obliged to tell. 
Alas, his only child 

Had turned into a belle. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 43 



THE LIMIT. 

No doubt, because my wife knows how 
To decorate the dishes now, 
I ought to be full of delight — 
Instead, I've lost my appetite. 

The platter is a sight to see 

For it is done so gaudily, 

And all our plates, both large and small. 

In colors bright adorn the wall. 

At first she paints the flowers gay. 
And then to make the patterns stay, 
She has to fire them all. Dear me, 
It really is a mystery ! 

But then I'm sure I wouldn't mind 
If to the dishes she'd confine 
Her art. My faith in firing shook 
When she announced she'd fired the cook. 



44 HOME MADE JINGLES 

THEY. 

We hear about them all the time ; 

They're spoken of as "they," 
But who they are or where they live, 

I really cannot say. 

They set the fashion ev'ry year. 
And what they say is style 

The other people scramble for 
And put on with a smile. 

They always know just what to do 

Out in society. 
And if we do the same as they 

It is propriety. 

They tell us what late books are good 

And v/hich are bad also. 
And if we don't read what they do. 

We are behind, you know. 

They always spend a lot of tim.e 

In gossiping each day. 
And all the people listen and 

Repeat it as, "They say." 

Oh, is there no one brave enough 
To care not what they do? 

I'd like to see the person that 
Would tell them to skidoo. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 45 

THE HURRY AGE. 

Why is it that the people rush about, 

As tho' by mad dogs chased, 
Afraid a minute or a second of 

Their time may go to waste? 
Down town just notice what a nervous look 

The passers-by all wear, 
And how they haven't time to stop, but pass 

Like rockets in the air. 

Each morning long before the sunlight sends 

Dim rays across their eyes, 
They feel that from their downy beds they must 

In greatest haste arise. 
Their breakfasts are put out of sight so fast 

They burn their mouths and tongues, 
And very often loud explosions crack 

Their tender throats and lungs. 

The men will then jump up and grab their hats 

And kiss their panting wives, I 

And down the street they'll tear as if they had 

To run to save their lives. 
The whole day long they'll move about like streaks 

Of lightning that's well greased, 
And even when they start for home at night, 

Their speed has not decreased. 



46 HOME MADE JINGLES 

The women, when their husbands leave for work, 

Will churn the big dish pan, 
And wash and wipe the dishes just as fast 

As anybody can. 
Then puffing like steam engines, the}' will sweep 

And dust the living rooms ; — 
I'm sure electric batteries could not 

Alore swiftly move their brooms. 

The children all race ofT at once to school, 

Scarce taking one good breath. 
Arriving later at the school house, they 

Look almost scared to death. 
Then home again at noon they scamper fast 

And o'er each other roll. 
To see who'll get there first and then consume 

Their red-hot lunches whole. 

Ah, foolish hustlers, does it pay to have 

These daily nervous shocks? 
If you are sure you haven't time enough, 

Why don't you buy more clocks? 
But if you feel that you must ever move 

At record-breaking rates, 
I hope the future generations will 

Be born on roller skates. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 47 

SANTA SPEAKS. 

At last my Christmas work is done 
And my vacation has begun 

And I can rest a bit. 
No wonder that I am all in 
And that I look so pale and thin, 

While here alone I sit. 

In madd'ning haste I have been whirled 
Around this whole gigantic world 

Within a single night. 
A wireless message could not beat 
The swiftness of my reindeers' feet 

O'er vales and mountains white. 

And now that I can think, I sigh, 
Was ever m.an more worked than I, 

Or more imposed upon? 
And not one word of thanks T'll get ; 
Instead the children soon forget 

How much for them I've done. 

The million tons of mail I've read 
Have made me wish that I was dead 

Instead of being here. 
That ev'ry little girl and boy 
Depends on me for Christmas joy, 

The letters all make clear. 



48 HOME MADE JINGLES 

And some poor children wonder why 
On Christmas eve I pass them by 

And leave no gift behind, 
While wealthy children far and near 
Have never had a single fear 

That I their homes won't find. 

Ah, children, even Santa must 
Be domineered by an old trust 

Of wealthy men composed, 
And so he can't perform what he 
Should do for noble charity. 

And often feels disposed. 

Altho' I do not like the way 

The unions thrive and grow today, 

I'll not complain, because 
To shelve old men is nov/ the rage 
And how I'd hate, in my old age, 

The name Ex-Santa Claus. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 49 

A DEBUTANTE. 

'T soon shall be a debutante," 

The pretty maiden sighed, 
While glancing in the mirror with 

A feeling of real pride. 

"I've been away to school a year 

And traveled far abroad. 
Of knowledge, I've a smattering — 

Enough to be a fraud. 

"On me, my father's spent a lot 

Of money, I confess ; 
And so, of course, I ought to be 

A very great success. 

"Think how embarrassed and downcast 

He'd be if I should fail. 
Since I've been advertised so much 

And offered now for sale. 

"My debut is an auction and 

The highest bidder wins, 
No matter what his age may be. 

Nor what his faults and sins. " 

"I hope that I'll be bought real soon. 

So mother, dear, can sleep, — 
She says that remnants nowadays 

Must always go so cheap." 



50 HOME MADE JINGLES 

COLD STORAGE. 

I am a turkey, old and tough, 
Killed just five years ago. 

And it is well that people don't 
My real condition know. 

For if they did, they wouldn't eat 

A single bite of me, 
And then the deuce would be to pay 

And not the butcher — see? 

Altho' I look so lifeless here, 
Fm not a dead one yet. 

Because there's life enough in me 
Of many kinds, you bet. 

Cold storage is all right, no doubt, 
To keep us looking well ; 

What else it does for turkeys, why 
I hadn't better tell. 

But you can find out for yourself 
'Most any time you choose — 

A simple little microscope 
Is all you have to use. 

But then, of course, I don't believe 
It really would be right 

For you to spoil or lessen your 
Thanksgiving appetite. 



HOME MADE JIXGLES 51 



SWOOPERS. 

Within the theater 1*11 sit 
And watch the people come, 

And wonder who they are and wliere 
They all have landed from. 

And as I'll sit there pondering 

A sudden lull I'll feel, 
While to my nose a noisy breath 

Of perfumiC now will steal. 

And ere I've time to turn around, 

A rustle loud and clear, 
The sound waves in the theater 

Will carry to my ear. 

At once upon my vision breaks 

A phantom of real style — 
A swooper. swell and swaggering, 

Goes swooping down the aisle. 

She gives the audience much time 

Her loveliness to see, 
For swoopers are the side shov\-s which 

In theaters are free. 



52 HOME MADE JINGLES 

She stands while she takes off her cloak— 
Her opera cloak so ^rand — 

And boldly flashes in our eyes 
The jewels on her hand. 

And how she hates to take her seat — 

To vanish from our view, 
For when she sits she knows that her 

Performance is 'most thro'. 

Ah, swoopers, how I pity you ! 

Your work in life is vain, 
For tho' you strive so hard for praise, 

How little is your gain ! 

We know your clothes are fine, of course, 
Their fashion, oh, so smart, 

And all agree your pretty face 
Is one grand work of art. 

But, take them from you, naught is left. 

In spite of all your pains. 
For you have advertised the fact 

That swoopers have no brains. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 53 



MUSICAL APPRECIATION. 

She had no soul for music, but 
When she grew up she found 

To tell the truth about her soul 
Would quite uncultured sound. 

And so she went to concerts that 

Were very classical, 
Applauding all the numbers, tho' 

She liked them not at all. 

She'd often close her eyes and look 
As tho' her thoughts had soared ; 

But underneath her dreamy smile 
She felt just "awful bored." 

Sometimes she'd gently tap her foot, 
Or keep time with her head ; 

She could not keep from doing it, 
She hoped it would be said. 

And tho' the program was too deep 

For her to understand. 
When it was o'er, she'd sigh and say, 

"Oh, it was sim.ply grand !" 

But what else could she do, for all 
Her friends in scorn would laugh 

If she would tell them she preferred 
Her neighbor's phonograph. 



^54 HOME MADE JIXGLES 



TO A SILK PETTICOAT. 

Silk petticoat, thy voice I like to hear 
Break on the solemn stillness of the air, 
When I'm in church and kneeling down in prayer, 
For thy proud accents are so crisp and clear. 

Announcing ev'ry second thou art near, 
Proclaiming that thy owner, plain or fair, 
Thy plaited ruffles can afford to wear — 
A privilege that's known to be quite dear. 

And when I hear thee rustling down the aisle, 
A song of praise within my heart I sing. 
E'en tho' thou art put on for show and style, 

I am aware thou art a pow'rful thing, 
As thou each Sunday for a little while 
To church, thy mistress, old or young, can bring. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 55 

WINTER THOUGHTS. 

Now as the autumn days have gone 
And winter's cold comes creeping on, 

My thoughts turn from the outside charm, 
Where for so long they roamed at will 
O'er red-leaf'd woodland, vale and hill. 

And dwell on means of keeping warm. 

And sitting here, wrapped up in thought 
Of how much hard coal must be bought 

Before the spring time comes again, 
I can't help thinking furnaces 
Are very useful nuisances, — 

In fact they are just like some men. 

They're very changeable and go 
Whichever way the wind may blow. 

To me it doesn't seem just right 
That they must be watched constantly 
And tended ever carefully 

So they will not go out at night. I 

They often sm.oke and spoil the air ; 
Their pipes are scattered ev'rywhere 

Throughout the house. Their ashes lie 
Just where they fall in ugly heaps. 
To clean them up it always keeps 

Some thoughtful person on the fly. 



56 HOME MADE JINGLES 

A lot of draughts they daily need 
To keep them going, or indeed 

They lose their cheerful light. 
How many times they have to lunch, 
Tho' just some poker, chips, and punch. 

Will make the fire within them bright. 

Whene'er I've seen them in the dark, 
I've noticed that they always spark. 

Their many flames make them look gay 
And when they get down very low, 
We heap hot coals on them, you know, 

And soon like men, they are O. K. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 57 



A DAILY SCENE. 

'I'll pay your fare," said Mrs. Jones, 
"I have a dime right here." 

''Indeed you won't," said Mrs. Smith, 
"I will not let you, dear." 

"Oh, yes, you will," said Mrs. Jones, 

"In fact I'm going to. 
There is no reason why I should 

Not pay this once for you." 

"Ah, thank you, dear," said Mrs. Smith. 

"It's kind of you, I know. 
But not a cent to anyone 

Will Harry let me owe. 

"Upon the other hand. I will 

Pay for us both instead. 
Here ! Here ! conductor, take my dime, 

I'll pay for two," she said. 

But Mrs. Jones jumped up and cried. 
Quite loudly, "Don't you dare! 

Conductor, take my dime at once. 
I wish to pay her fare." 



58 HOME MADE JINGLES 

The women held each other's hands 
And struggled there awhile, 

Until the poor conductor went 
Collecting down the aisle. 

When he was gone, said Mrs. Jones, 
''We've made a scene, no doubt, 

But we're down town already, so 
Let's hurry and get out." 

And when they on the corner stood. 
They each thought, 'T declare, 

I'm glad I didn't have to pay 
A cent of street car fare." 



HOME MADE JINGLES 59 



HER FATE. 

Tho' hard you try, you can't avoid, 

No matter what you do. 
The death that on some future date 

Is now awaiting you. 

I knew a woman once who was 

Afraid to go down town. 
Because she thought a runaway 

Might come and knock her down. 

She was afraid to take a ride 

In any kind of boat 
For, if she was upset, she knew 

Her body wouldn't float. 

She would not go to circuses, 

Altho' she liked a show, 
Because she thought the animals 

Might eat her up, you know. 

And when electric storms would come 

She'd madly run about, 
And close the shutters and the blinds 

To keep the lightning out. 



6o HOME MADE JINGLES 

At night when she would go to bed, 
She'd toss about and turn. 

She could not go to sleep because 
She feared the house might burn. 

One day her husband realized 
How poky was her life, 

And so he bought a Paris hat 
And gave it to his wife. 

But when she saw the lovely thing 
She gasped and lost her breath. 

Alas, the feathers on the hat 
Had tickled her to death. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 6i 

HOLD UPS. 

The man who says, ''Hands up !" and then demands, 

"Your money or your Hfe," 
Must do his daring work at night and spend 

The sunny hours in strife. 
He has no peace of mind at all because 

He's likely to be caught, 
And, for committing such a crime, before 

The court of justice brought. 

Now there are other kinds of hold ups who 

May rob in broad daylight. 
But they are never forced by fear or law 

To vanish from our sight. 
Upon the other hand, they grow more bold 

And let all people see 
The great impression they can make 

Upon society. 

How many lawyers cunningl}^ defraud 

Their clients ev'ry day, 
And with their stolen property then go 

Undaunted on their way; 
And how the surgeons always charge for what 

They do and do not do. 
The hold ups ! How they cut up when they thrust 

Their butcher knives in you. 



62 HOME MADE JINGLES 

And what tremendous hauls the merchants make 

Each time they have a sale ! 
The prices that they charge for hats alone 

Should land them all in jail. 
And tailors are another species of 

The daylight robber we 
Allow to make our pockets empty — but 

They suit us to a T. 

The dainty dentists put us fast asleep 

With gas or chloroform, 
And, while we're helpless there within their pow'r, 

Great miracles perform. 
We are surprised when we awake to find 

The teeth they've had to fill, 
But we are horror-stricken when the first 

Brings round their lengthy bill. 

There are a lot of other hold ups but 

I can't name ev'ry one, 
And so I'll leave the rest of them to you, 

Since I my part have done. 
But when the last great roll is called and when 

The devil takes his due. 
He'll roast a stack of daylight thieves and thugs. 

Dear friend, will he roast vou? 



HOME MADE JINGLES 63 



TO THOSE WHO SMOKE. 

To me it is a funny sight 

And really quite a joke, 
To watch the men pour from their mouths 

Gigantic clouds of smoke. 

As on the street they pufif about, 

I think that their cigars 
Look just like little engines that 

Are pulling choo-choo cars. 

And when they stand or sit a while 

And still the smoke rolls up. 
They seem like old volcanoes that 

Must ev'ry day erupt. 

Oh, think how worried men would be 
And how they'd fret and fuss. 

If Nature had decreed that some 
Should be afflicted thus. 

Appendicitis then would be 

A fashion of the past. 
For those who had smokitis would 

Be carved up thick and fast. 



64 HOME MADE JINGLES 



ANCESTORS. 

How much some persons like to talk 

About their family trees ! 
With lots of them, I think it is 

A very bad disease. 

Whenever they can get a chance, 
They'll take the greatest pains 

To tell about the noble blood 
Which courses thro' their veins. 

Just count the great grandfathers who 

Were generals so brave. 
That, for the glory of their flag, 

Their precious lives they gave. 

How many cousins, uncles, aunts, 
Abe Lincoln must have had ; 

His poor relations, no doubt, made 
Him feel at times quite sad. 

And some can trace their ancestry 
Clear back to England's shore, 

Where on the family trees are strung 
Great lords and kings galore. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 65 

It's strange the Mayflower didn't sink 

While sailing o'er the sea, 
For how it carried such a crowd 

Has always puzzled me. 

But then, perhaps, it's just as well 

To let our neighbors talk. 
And put a value on their rare 

And good old family stock, 

For if they didn't blow about 

Their aristocracy, 
From their appearance, we might judge 

Them common folk, you see. 



66 HOME MADE JIXGLES 



HIS GIFT. 

It was the first gift he had bought 

His wife for many years, 
And so the heavy bundle made 

Her eyes fill up with tears. 

She quickly tore the wrapper ofif 

And found a fine array 
Of articles of ev'ry kind, 

Which made a grand display. 

Some shoes there were with great, high heels, 

And stockings, red and blue ; 
And there were ribbons, black and wliite, 

And ribbons purple, too. 

She found a carving knife and fork, 

A match safe made of brass, 
A lovely drawn-work doily and 

A silver looking-glass. 

Some green and yellow pillow tops 

Were next to some coon songs. 
While underneath were spools of thread 

And fancy curling tongs. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 67 

And now the living room looked like 

A five and ten cent store, 
For there were dolls and books and games 

And postal cards galore. 

The wife was gravely entertaining doubts 

About her husband's head ; 
"Why did you buy such things for me ?" 

She very softly said. 

"Ah, if you do not like them, Jane, 

My last hopes you will wreck ; 
I didn't know what else to do 

With that old cashier's check." 



68 HOME MADE JINGLES 



A BROKEN RESOLVE. 

From worldly cares the business man 
Thought he would steal away, 

And for the first time in five years 
He'd keep the Sabbath day. 

He dressed up in his Sunday best 
And walked to church quite fast, 

So he'd arrive before his good 
Intentions had all passed. 

The first part of the service pleased 

Him very much indeed. 
He liked the prayers, he liked the hymns, 

He liked the church's creed. 

And he began to wonder why 

He had not come before, 
Resolving in his heart that he 

Would surely come some more. 

But now the minister commenced 

The church's needs to tell. 
And urged and begged them one and all 

Its dwindling funds to swell. 

He mentioned that, for those who had 

Not yet secured their pews, 
A number of good seats was left 

From which they now could choose. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 69 

And then he thought that all should give 

As much as they well could 
To help the missionary work, 

Which was so great and good. 

He spoke at length of many sales 
The church that week would hold, 

And said he hoped the articles ^ 
Would ev'ry one be sold. 

He also hoped the offering 

Would be real large that day, 
So that he would be able soon 

Some of his debts to pay. 

And now the plate was passed around, 

While jingle, jingle, jing, 
The dollars, dimes and nickels gave 

A loud, commercial ring. 

And when the business man threw down 

His piece of hard-earned cash, 
He felt his late and good resolve 

Go breaking all to smash. 

"Religion of this kind," he said, 

"Fills me with much disgust; 
I'm not surprised that some don't like 

The words 'In Ggd We Trust.' " 



70 HOME MADE JINGLES 



UP TO DATE. 

She wore a jaunty sailor hat, 
Altho' 'twas said that she 

Had Hved on land for thirty years 
And never saw the sea. 

Two college hat pins held it firm, 
Tho' learning she had none — 

Not even thro' the grammar grades 
Or high school had she gone. 

An automobile veil she wore, 
Her freckled skin to hide, 

But in an automobile she 
Had never had a ride. 

In winter time she had a pair 
Of golf gloves, bright and gay, 

But when one spoke of golf to her, 
She said she didn't play. 

And tho' she did not like the men, 

Nor any of them know, 
Whene'er she walked upon the street, 

Beside her was a bow. 



HOME MADE JINGLES yi 

NO ESCAPE. 

"Real happiness/' said Mr. Grey, 

"To people is unknown, 
Until they have a house and lot 

Which are their very own. 
Now Mary, while I work today 

I wish that you would call 
Up real estate men on the 'phone, 

And interview them all." 
So just as soon as Mrs. Grey 

Found that she was alone, 
She took her station in the hall 

Beside the telephone. 
Now ev'ry man that talked to her 

Was very sure that he 
Possessed or else could shortly find 

Her splendid property. 
They took her number, as they wished 

To talk to her again. 
For real estate men, ev'ryone, 

Are quite loquacious men. 
But on the morrow just as soon 

As breakfast was all o'er, 
The 'phone began to ring as it 

Had never rung before. 
All morning long poor Mrs. Grev 

Was answering the bell, 



HOME MADE JINGLES 



And hearing of great bargains that 

The agents had to sell. 
The real estate men's memories 

She found to be no good — 
They had forgotten she desired 

A certain neighborhood. 
She'd told them that six thousand was 

The most she could afford, 
But higher than ten thousand had 

Those earthly men all soared. 
In spite of her great protests they 

Insisted they would call, 
Because they knew they had just what 

She wanted after all. 
And soon they came in runabouts 

And automobiles gay, 
To take out riding for a while 

Unwilling Mrs. Grey. 
Now when her husband from his work 

Came home at last that night, 
He said, "Those agents, dear, have made 

My life today a fright. 
Since morning I have changed my mind. 

A home I covet not, 
Instead from one of them I'll buy 

A cemetery lot. 
To get beyond their reach, I think 

This way the very best. 
And yet, no doubt, our very graves 

Those ground hogs will infest." 



HOME MADE JINGLES 73 

CHRISTMAS JUNK. 

The stores have all begun to don 

Their holiday attire ; 
They're putting on attractive togs 

To tempt the Christmas buyer. 

Their windows fast are filling up 

With ev'ry kind of toy, — 
Variety enough to please 

'Most any girl or boy. 

The counters now are loaded with 
Great piles of Christmas books, 

And they are very brilliant ones, — 
At least they are in looks. 

A lot of useless bric-a-brac, 

In colors bright and gay, 
Is waiting for the customers 

To carry it away. 

Cheap tinsel by the yard is used 

To catch the passer-by, 
For, when he's caught, the merchant knows 

He will proceed to buy. 

And oh, the gaudy gewgaws that 

Are ev'rywhere displayed 
Make all sane people wonder if 

By lunatics they're made. 

And yet we soon will join the throng 

And spend our precious cash. 
To swell the merchants' bank accounts 

And please our friends with trash. 



74 HOME MADE JINGLES 

MICROBES. 

It is not wise to telephone, 

Because the doctors say 
That microbes, small but dan;T^erous, 

Within the mouthpiece stay. 

Library books are bad to read. 
As far as health's concerned, 

Since microbes lodge beneath the leaves. 
From wise men we have learned. 

And now the time will come no more 
When loving kisses please, 

Because we're daily told that they 
Are loaded with disease. 

Altho' we're dying for a drink 
Of water, cold and pure, 

We mustn't use a drinking cup. 
For it has microbes sure. 

If we should fail to get a seat 

Within a crowded car, 
We'd better fall than grab a strap 

For there the microbes are. 

And money, too, physicians say, 

Is almost death to touch. 
But do they practice what they preach? 

Well, I should say — Not much ! 

Now, if post-mortems should be held 
On doctors, we would gain 

The knowledge that these learned men 
Have microbes on the brain. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 75 



CURTAIN CALLS. 

It is well to be taken away from oneself 

And lost in the thought of a play. 
To enjoy a good laugh at the jokes which are sprung 

Will make a blue person feel gay; 
And to weep when the heroine dies or is killed 

Is good for the young and the old, 
For it makes warm emotions swell up in the heart, 

And thaws the ice-covering cold. 
And it's right to applaud when one's pleased with an 
act, 

But clapping till both hands are red 
Always spoils the illusion that's formed in the mind 

By bringing to life all the dead. 

The black villain who killed a young woman, because 

She would to her husband be true, 
And who then stabbed himself with the same gory 
knife 

And died with his heart cut in two ; 
And the husband who felt the deep pangs of despair, 

In viewing his wife's dear remains. 
And who took a revolver he found on a chair 

And punctured his foolish, old brains, — 



-j^i HOME MADE JIXGLES 

Yes these, and more, too, will a burst of applause 

Bring up to their feet with a bound ; 
With affectionate grasp they will take hold of hands, 

While bowing and scraping around. 

There's a flurrv of handkerchiefs, wicinor v;et eves, 

A swallow of throat lumps within. 
As we keep in swift motion our hands and our feet 

And smile with an imbecile grin. 
The sad picture has vanished and gone up in smoke, 

The brushes are all that we see, 
And alas, they are mixing the black and the white 

And blurring our poor memory. 
Yet, perhaps, they're depicting a phase of real life — 

To some persons praise is so sweet, 
They would leave the bright shores of their heavenly 
homes 

A little pink taffy to eat. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 77 



ROSES AND FERNS. 

One day, when on the street I chanced to pass 
A florist's window made of clear plate glass, 
I paused and, as I saw the bright display, 
I thought one posy I must bear away. 

I stepped inside and breathed the fragrant air 
And gazed on flowers round me ev'rywhere. 
My thoughts ran back to peaceful vales and hills ; 
I dreamed a dream of rippling brooks and rills. 

No doubt, the florist knew my thoughts had strayed, 
For not a word he said nor sound he made. 
And after I had mused a while, I chose 
A delicate, soft-blushing, little rose. 

He gently took it from the others and 
He smiled and placed it in my open hand, 
And with a gen'rous air, tho' very grave, 
A lot of dainty ferns to me he gave. 

One night I chanced to pass a lighted hall 
And heard the dreamy music of a ball, 
And thought I'd slyly steal a single glance 
At those who lightly reveled in the dance. 



78 HOME MADE JINGLES 

A vision of rare beauty burst upon my sight; 
The strains of fairy music filled me with deUghl, 
And, as I drank the atmosphere so gay, 
Again my thoughts went roaming far away. 

But as they roamed, a lovely maiden's face 
Smiled up at me with innocence and grace. 
I felt as tho' an angel from above 
Had filled my heart with happiness and love. 

But, since I've had that maiden for my wife. 
Her hundred relatives have spoiled my life. 
My heart for liberty novv" sadly yearns — 
I love the rose I bought, but hate the ferns. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 79 



WORTH SEEING. 

If you're a man and haven't seen 

A genuine, big sale, 
'Twill pay you well to witness one. 

Yes, do it without fail. 

'Tis more exciting than a game 

Of football you'll agree, 
And prizefights aren't in it, and 

I'm sure they'll never be. 

Around a little square, you'll find 

The ladies ten feet deep. 
All pushing, punching, scrambling for 

Some lace or cloth that's cheap. 

And oh, the goods, the poor, poor goods ! 

It's pulled and hauled and torn, 
Until it looks like some old rag 

That never can be worn. 

You'll see a lady dressed in silk 

Who usually has pride. 
Competing with the negro who 

Is standing by her side. 

The Irish, German, Dutch and Dane, 
The Swede and Russian Jew, 

Italians, Slavs and Indians, 
Are fighting with her, too. 

Ah, 3^es, it's sad, but also true, 
That right here in our stores, 

Each week we have a series of 
These international wars. 



8o HOME MADE JINGLES 

SPIRITUALISM. 

Of this weird, uncanny doctrine, 

IMuch on both sides can be said, 
But I see no satisfaction 

In conversing with the dead. 
When the spirit leaves the body 

And attains a higher plane, 
Why should we desire to bring it 

Back to earthly woes again ? 

When I die and go to heaven. 

There awhile I'd like to stay, 
Without feeling that the family 

Wanted me to come away. 
If I had to be forever 

On the earth and heaven road, 
I would find a half-way station 

Where I'd take up my abode. 

So when I'd receive a message 

From my relatives below, 
I could answer their queer summons 

In a way that wasn't slow. 
And if they kept on insisting 

That around them I must prance, 
I would give them all they wanted 

Of a ghostly song and dance. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 8i 

I would not, like other spirits, 

On the chairs and tables tap. 
As it seems so idiotic 

On the furniture to rap. 
It is strange how many persons 

Who contented lives have led. 
Should become these constant knockers, 

Just as soon as they are dead. 

And no mediums I'd talk thro', 

Tho' there was no other way. 
When they asked me for my message 

I would simply say, *'Nay, nay!" 
I don't like such go-betweeners, 

Who can fall off in a trance 
Any time they take a notion 

Or are given any chance. 

In this age, so fast advancing. 

It is certainly worth while, 
To abandon old-time methods. 

And to do things up in style. 
So in my communication. 

If I am allowed a choice, 
I will either send a wireless. 

Or I'll megaphone my voice. 



82 HOME MADE JINGLES 



A MISTAKE. 

A girl went to the theater 

To see a funny play ; 
'Twas dark inside when she arrived, 

She could not see her way. 

She slowly followed down the aisle, 

With hesitating feet, 
The dark form of the usher tall 

Who led her to her seat. 

And as she went she placed her hand 
On what was prom'nent most — 

A shining round thing, smooth and hard. 
Which she thought was a post. 

But, lo, it moved ! And all at once 
She knew, with fear and dread, 

That she had placed her hand upon 
A poor, old man's bald head. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 83 

THE COUPON CRAZE. 

We used to be a happy pair, 

My little wife and f ; 
Alas, those days of bliss and peace 

Have all gone swiftly by. 

I do not blame my wife, of course. 

It's not her fault at all ; 
But I accuse the people who 

Have issued coupons small. 

We now are eating breakfast food 
That tastes just like old hay, 

Because the firm will give a set 
Of Haviland away. 

I'm daily wearing shoes which I 

Can frankly say I hate, 
But when I wear enough of them 

My wife will get a plate. 

I smoke tobacco that is strong 

Enough to kill a man. 
For we are getting silver on 

That dreadful coupon plan. 

I used to wear a tailored suit 

But cannot any more. 
As they are giving trading stamps 

At a department store. 

I hope that soon the ministers 

Will issue coupons free, 
So when my wife to heaven goes 

She'll have a pass for me. 



84 HOME MADE JINGLES 

KISSING THE BRIDE. 

At last the ceremony's o'er 
And kissing time is here. 

See how the smiHng people now 
In front of me appear. 

Smack, smack, smackety. smack! 
Smackety, smackety, smack ! 

I almost wish that I was not 
Tonight a blushing bride, 

For kisses coming in such heaps 
Are injuring my pride. 

Smack, smack, smackety, smack ! 
Smackety, smackety, smack! 

Why should they all feel duty bound 
These kisses to bestow? 

At other times they wouldn't cross 
The street for me, I know. 

Smack, smack, smackety, smack! 
Smackety, smackety, smack! 

I am afraid that I will have 

Diseases now galore, 
Since doctors say that kisses hold 

Small microbes by the score. 
Smack, smack, smackety, smack ! 

Smackety, smackety, smack! 



HOME MADE JINGLES 85 

But maybe all the giiests will get 

Germ souvenirs from me, 
For I've had tonsilitis and 

My throat hurts dreadfully. 
Smack, smack, smackety, smack! 

Smackety, smackety, smack! 

Next time that I am married then 

I'll know just what to do, 
For this outrageous process I 

Will not again go thro'. 
Smack, smack, smackety, smack ! 

Smackety, smackety, smack! 

I'll have a basket on my arm, 

And I will give each guest 
A candy kiss, in paper wrapped. 

And he can do the rest. 
Chew, chew, chewety, chew ! 

Chewety, chewety, chew ! 



86 HOME MADE JINGLES 



WHITE LIES. 



That a certain kind of lying 

Is by people known as white, 
Is no sign in my opinion 

That such falsehoods are all right. 
Call them red or green or purple, 

Call them yellow, pink or blue, 
Yet the fact remains unaltered 

That a lie is never true. 

If you have a home made conscience 

That your fibbing will excuse, 
Of it, you will take advantage 

And its hardness much abuse. 
Since you feel no guilty pricking 

Of your silent monitor. 
You may think you are an angel, 

Tho' you've told white lies galore. 

Ev'ry time you tell an untruth. 

Be it great or be it small. 
On your scale of soul ascension. 

One degree you're bound to fall. 
Tho' you may not pause to suffer 

For the fibs you tell each day, 
There will come a time when you must 

Debts to truth and honor pay. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 87 

Have you ever seen how freckles, 

Each one taking its small place, 
Multiply and spoil the beauty 

Of a young and pretty face? 
Just so falsehoods always weaken 

The stability of souls. 
Making them a sight ungodly 

With their large and ugty holes. 

Now whenever you feel tempted 

To say words which are untrue, 
Ask yourself at once with frankness 

If such lying will pay you. 
Even tho' your lie's a white one. 

You will die some day and go 
"Where it may be black in color — 

Dyeing changes shades, you know. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 



A CLASSICAL COMPOSITION. 

Each night when he'd come home from work 

And from the world retreat, 
He'd hear the music of the girl 

Who lived across the street. 

Altho' he'd shut the windows and 

With cotton plug his ear, 
The dismal sound of "Home, Sweet Home," 

He still could plainly hear. 

He'd often grab his hat and coat 

And walk an hour or two. 
In hopes that while he was away 

His neighbor would get thro'. 

But soon he found it did no good 

For him at night to roam. 
As in the end he'd always hear 

''There is no place like home." 

And so at last, in deep despair, 

He said, "It's all she knows — 
To give her some variety, 

A piece I will compose." 

To make it purely classical, 

He tried his very best ; 
A single note was all he wrote 

And then he had a rest. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 89 

REAL SORROW. 

Above a tiny coffin white 

A pretty woman wept, 
For midst the satin and the flow'rs 

Her little darling slept. 

She looked around the silent room 
And sighed, ''Oh, nevermore 

Will he be peeping at me from 
Behind the parlor door. 

"I'll miss him at the table, too, 

Whenever I shall eat, 
But I will put some posies by 

His little empty seat. 

''I cared for him so tenderly — 

I bathed him ev'ry day; 
For hours I'd watch him romp about, 

So happy in his play. 

"And now my only little one 

Lies cold in death's embrace, 
While my warm tears are falling fast 

Upon his pretty face. 

"A mother mourns her little child 

When it is dead, of course, 
But, oh, to lose a poodle dog 

Is ever so much worse." 



90 HOME MADE JINGLES 



A SONNET TO A GROUCH. 

Away ! ye selfish, surly, sulking thing, 
Fault-finding, disagreeable, and sour! 
Back to the woods, ye pest, this very hour, 
Or into depths of utter darkness fling 

Thyself. Thy presence here no joy can bring; 
Thy ugly, drooping mouth is not a pow'r 
For good ; instead to loving eyes a show'r 
Of tears is oft occasioned by its sting. 

Bathe thy cross, crabbed lips in smiles of glee 
And make amends for mican remarks they've fi-ung. 
Yes, p-roaning, grum.bling, growling grouch, set free 

That frown which to thy face so long has clung. 
We have no room for such a scold as ye. 
So go ! or else forever hold thy tongue. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 91 

EARLY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING. 

I am glad that the people are helping- the clerks 

By securing their presents so soon, 
For, of course, such sweet thoughtfulness is very kind 

And to poor, tired women a boon. 
But all those, who, by practicing what has been 
preached, 

Are thus pushing the good movement on. 
Should be shovv^n that at least the merchants approve 

Of the unselfish work that is done. 

On the other hand, persons, too selfish to care 

Or too lazy a burden to lift 
And who wait till the very last moment to shop 

And to purchase their first Christmas gift, 
Are the ones who can get for their money the most. 

For the merchants will, rather than keep 
Any left-over stock for the following year. 

Always sell out at last very cheap. 

So as long as the storekeepers do what's unjust 

And deserving rewards v/ill not pay. 
Not a scruple I have about making you wise 

And in giving my methods away. 
Now I do not shop early — I haven't the cash 

To be buying when things are so dear. 
And I do not go late — before Christmas I mean — 

But I send bargain gifts each New Year. 



92 HOME MADE JINGLES 



GRUNTERS. 

There are a lot of persons who 
'Most always are complaining. 

They really are not ill at all 
But sickness ever feigning. 

They will appear each morning with 
A frown upon their forehead, 

With drooping lips and downcast eyes, 
Remarking they feel horrid. 

They seem to take great pleasure in 
Their aches and pains relating, 

Not knowing that they bore you or 
Upon your nerves they're grating. 

To say, "How do 3'ou do?"' to them 

Is almost like igniting 
A great big pile of rubbish by 

A little match just lighting. 

For they will tell you how they've had 

A touch of tonsilitis. 
Or else they'll very proudly say 

They have appendicitis. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 93 

They always have the latest thing 

From typhoid down to sneezes, 
For there is only glory in 

The fashionable diseases. 

I cannot understand, I'm sure, 

What happiness they're getting 
By wasting so much precious time 

In useless, selfish fretting. 

If on a farm sometime they are, 

For health or pleasure hunting. 
They'll find that in the well-filled pens 

The pigs are also grunting. 



94 HOME MADE JINGLES 

HIS PHOTO. 

I've had my picture taken, sir. 
And brought it down to you; 

To get it put in print, no doubt. 
That's all I have to do. 

I've noticed, -Mister Editor, 
That it is all the rage 

To have your picture reproduced. 
No matter what your age. 

You published just a week ag(> 
The photo of Miss Brown, 

Because she looked so pretty in 
Her stylish wedding gown. 

And only yesterday I saw 

A cut of Mr. Grey 
Appear upon your title page 

Because he's gone away. 

In fact, most of the people who 
Are living on our street 

Have had their photographs adorn 
Your special Sunday sheet. 

So here is mine! Please print it, sir. 
And underneath just say 

I've lived here all my life because 
I haven't gone away. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 95 



FROM MARS. 

Say, people of the earth, we wish you w^ould not try 
To reach our happy world, revolving in the sky. 
We've sized you up down there, and found you second- 
class, 
So turn your telescope and let our planet pass. 

You waste a lot of time in your continued quest 
Of knowledge of old Mars, so give 3^ourselves a rest 
As well as us, for we are weary of your search — 
We'd be ashamed to be left always in the lurch ! 

Just spend the energy you give to vacant air 

In making something of your little earth down there. 

When you have conquered that and understand its 

laws, ^ 

To have a bit of pride, you may perhaps have cause. 

We have to laugh the way you always boast about 
Your brilliant men and their inventions daily shout. 
But ignorant indeed to others you appear — 
You're all as green as grass, compared wnth us up here. 



96 HOME MADE JINGLES 

It takes 3'ou centuries to see what's close at hand. 
How 3^ou can be so bUnd, we do not understand. 
Electric modes of work, some changes have now made, 
But think how long unknown, electric action stayed ! 

You call us cousins, but we'll make it plain to you 
We have no thoughts of such relationship in view. 
We do not care to have your countless bloody wars 
Transferred from earthly shores to battlefields in stars. 

In this ethereal sphere, we don't propose to join 
Ourselves to people who are worshipers of coin. 
We live on higher planes than dull minds can conceive ; 
Idealistic life is far too grand to leave. 

Since you are made of clay, to earth you'll have to 

cling, 
For such clodhoppers we, in gutters, always sling. 
So earthy boys, let's shake and let the matter drop ; 
Your minds are better on next year's potato crop. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 97 

OFFICE FURNITURE. 

Some persons drudge along each day, 
Contented with their meager pay, 

And think they can't improve. 
As tho' they were compelled to be 
In one small hole continually. 

And from it could not move. 

They do the work they have to do 
But have no prospects bright in view 

To give them life and hope. 
They spend the time they have for rest 
In doing what may suit them best — 

And usually they mope. 

They put their pride on office shelves, 
And think they cannot help themselves, 

While they must daily toil. 
They seem to think there is no chance 
For certain persons to advance — 

Their rusty brains need oil. 

But what's the use of wasting time 
On those too prosy for good rhyme — 

About them no one cares. 
They'll never rise in this great world 
Unless some bombs are quickly hurled 

Beneath their office chairs. 



98 HOME MADE JINGLES 

WORRY. 

Worry, worry, worry, 

Worry ev'ry day. 
Worry till your wrinkled, 

Worry till your gray. 
Worry when the sun shines, 

Worry when it rains. 
Worry when you're healthy, 

Worry when you've pains. 

Worry is a habit 

That can be acquired, 
So you'd better get it 

If you'd be admired. 
All your friends will love you. 

When you fuss and fret, 
And your troubled visage 

They will ne'er forget. 

Worry is a pastime 

For the human mind. 
Those who do not hke it 

Are away behind. 
It is always pleasant 

To have future cares — 
To make all your day dreams 

Horrible nightmares. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 99 

Worry is a splendid 

Mental exercise. 
It stirs up gray matter, 

Dormant otherwise, 
Forming new ideas 

Which will give you fright, 
Tho' you'll dwell upon them 

With a strange delight. 

Make your motto "Worry," 

Worry all you can, 
For enough real worry 

Changes God's great plan. 
We were made to worry, 

Made to weep and sigh. 
Therefore, worry, worry. 

Worry till you die. 

Think of all the people, 

Who are yet unborn. 
Think of all their troubles, 

Then begin to m.ourn. 
Think of all the struggles 

They must have in life, 
Think how they'll be falling 

In the midst of strife. 

Lora 



100 HOME MADE JINGLES 

Picture all the earthquakes 

That are yet to be, 
Shiver for the victims 

In their misery. 
Know that epidemics 

Will bring much disease, 
Think how every dog- must 

Have its share of fleas. 

Teach your little children 

They should worry, too — 
Set a good example 

So they'll follow you. 
Tell them this whole world is 

Full of pain and woe. 
And whene'er they leave it. 

To much worse they'll go. 



HOME MADE JINGLES loi 



ONE KIND OF TRUTH. 

The conductor stood and waited 

For her to pay her fare, 
But the girl seemed quite unconscious 

That he was standing there. 

But at last he grew impatient 

And said, "Your fare, ma'am, please," 
But the girl seemed not to hear him 

And still she looked at ease. 

In a minute he repeated 

The words that he had said ; 
Then the maiden turned round slowly 

Her proud and well-shaped head. 

"Have you paid your fare ?" he asked her. 

Indeed she looked surprised ; 
"Why, of course I did," she answered. 

And he apologized. 

But as soon as the conductor 

Was several feet away, 
To herself she softly whispered, 

"I paid it yesterday." 



102 HOME MADE JINGLES 

THE ONLY WAY. 

The doctor told the editor 
That he was all run down, 

And ought to have a little rest 
And go away from town. 

He gravely looked at him a v/hile, 
Then slowly shook his head. 

'Tt's exercise you need the most 
And that at once," he said. 

''Your circulation's very low 
And ought to be increased. 

Why don't you play some games of golf 
Or take long walks, at least?" 

The editor was sad indeed. 
His bank account was small, 

He knew he couldn't get away 
To exercise at all. 

He pondered o'er the doctor's words 
And dreamed of them at night, 

Until across his darkened mind 
There fell a ray of light. 

"My troubles now are gone," he mused 

"And all my worry past, 
For I have surely found a way 

To help myself at last. 

'T'll send some sample copies out 

To all my friends today ; 
My circulation will increase 

And I will go away." 



HOME MADE JINGLES 103 

WHICH CREED? 

I have very often pondered 

O'er the soul and o'er its needs, 
And I've wondered if reHgion 

Should be torn up into creeds. 
But I haven't found an answer, 

And perhaps I won't until 
I have climbed the narrow pathway 

And can look back down the hill. 

When I think of all the churches 

I am very much distressed, 
For there is no way of finding 

Out which one of them is best. 
As each minister is preaching 

From his pulpit Sabbath day 
That, to reach the gate of heaven, 

He can show the only way. 

Yes, the Baptists have their virtues 

And they're often in the swim, 
And the Scientists are healthy, 

And the Methodists are trim. 
The Episcopalians, haughty, 

Are the leaders of good style — 
But I Avonder, oh, I wonder, 

Just Vs^hich doctrine is worth while? 



104 HOME MADE JIXGLES 

I should hate to be mistaken 

And the wrong religion take, 
And to be informed in heaven 

That my church was just a fake. 
So I'm anxious to get started 

Soon upon a single track, 
Where there is no freight returning 

Which will bring left-overs back. 

There are many pious persons 

All the churches scattered thro', 
So from closest observation 

I can't tell what's right to do. 
But to judge from the expression 

That each wears upon his face, 
I am sure that all are hoping 

To be landed in one place. 

If I knew the Holy Rollers 

Had the key to heaven's gate, 
I would join my feet and forehead 

And my lungs I would inflate ; 
Then I'd start myself a-roUing 

And I'd roll and roll until 
The Most High and Mighty Roller 

Would announce I'd had my fill. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 105 



THE STREET CAR HOG. 

The end car seat he calmly held, 
In sweet, unconscious joy, 

While o'er his feet there scrambled in 
A woman and her boy. 

"He is a street car hog, my dear," 
The mother told her son. 

In angry tones that could be heard 
By almost ev'ry one. 

The passengers were wond'ring if 
The child would understand — 

He was so young and innocent 
And held his mother's hand. 

The boy looked at the great, tall man, 

And heaved a little sigh. 
'Ts that the reason, ma," he asked, 

"That pork is now so high?" 



io6 HOME MADE JINGLES 

SUICIDE. 

How foolish is a man to take his Hfe, 

No matter what the cause. 
'Tis better to continue in the strife 

Than flee from it, because 
To change our present form may be for wors; 

One fact we can't avoid — 
No atom in this wondrous universe 

Can ever be destro3/ed. 

Life is a moment in eternity, 

And tho' it's full of grief, 
There is no doubt our whole futurity 

Rests on this moment brief. 
Yes, he, who boldly snaps the brittle thread 

That ties him to this world, 
May with great agony forever tread 

The depths where he is hurled. 

Your business may be growing bad of late. 

The thought be hard to bear, 
But it is best to stagger 'neath the weight 

And try to take your share 
Of trouble, with a bold resolve you v/ill 

Not fall beneath )^our load. 
Push forward in your narrow path until 

You reach the broader road. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 107 

If life has lost for you all hope and joy 

And time drags slowly on, 
Because your laughing girl or bright-eyed boy 

Or wife from you has gone, 
Don't feel that you should hurry to their side. 

But stay a while and earn 
Admission to the place where they reside, 

Or you may quick return. 

The silly lover who shoots off his head. 

Because he's lost his heart. 
Is better far when he is cold and dead 

Than living here in part. 
''Survival of the fittest'' is the rule 

That governs life, and so 
'Tis only natural that ev'ry fool 

Should kill himself, 3-0U know. 



io8 HOME MADE JINGLES 

PRACTICAL ADVICE. 

It is too bad that women folks 
Such nuisances now are, 

That all the men are having fits 
When they get off the car. 

So much is said about the way 

They awkwardly alight, 
And how so many fall and give 

The passengers a fright. 

But since I've thought the matter o'er 

A reason I have found 
Why women always face the rear 

When stepping to the ground. 

I'm sure they do not want to fall 

A bit more than a man ; 
It's simply that they like to use 

Their right hands when they can. 

So, if the street car company 
The handles would arrange 

A little diff'rently, I'm sure 
There soon would be a change. 

But, if to follow my advice 

The knowledge they should lack. 

They'd better put the right hand car 
Upon the left hand track. 



HOME MADE JIXGLES 109 

ECOXOMY IX LIVIXG. 

''It seems impossible to live," 

The father sadly said. 
"How can I earn the cash to buy 

My children daily bread ? 

'•I'm told that milk is going up. 

And higher is the meat ; 
It surely is a problem now 

To get enough to eat. 

''Hard coal's advancing steadily, 

And all the clothing, too ; 
And novr with winter coming on, 

"Whatever shall vre do?" 

The father slowly paced the floor 

And heaved a hea^y sigh ; 
'Tt's plain to me," he sadly said, 

"^^'e all will have to die'" 

And so an undertaker he 

Consulted right away. 
And asked for decent funerals 

How much he'd have to pay. 

But when he heard the awful price, 

Once more he heaved a sigh ; 
"We'll have to live." he said, "because 

We can't afford to die." 



no HOME MADE JINGLES 



HOUSES AND CHILDREN. 

This is the worstest world for Httle boys ! 

I do not think it's right 
That we ain't 'lowed to make a bit of noise 

In daytime or at night. 
But the most worstest thing ain't that at all— 

Oh, dear me, mercy no ! 
But it is 'cause we cannot get a flat 

To live in, high or low. 

My pa he's tried just awful hard to get 

A house what we can rent, 
But ev'ry one we see what is to let 

For children is not meant. 
I guess them landlords always was big men. 

They stare and frown at us. 
As if we was some kind of dogs and then 

They make an awful fuss. 

I'm sure I don't know what we'll do 'cause pa 
Is lookin' dreadful mad. 



HOME MADE JINGLES iii 

An' I just hate to see my poor, dear ma 

A-whinin' round so sad. 
It's plain we cannot get no house while we 

Three kids are still hooked on 
To ma and pa; and so the thought strikes me 

We'd better all get gone. 

I guess pa'll have to stake us out somewhere 

To graze till we are grown, 
For I suppose that it is only fair 

To let 'em live alone. 
If I was parents and was tryin' hard 

To get one of them flats, 
I'd take my little kids out in the yard 

And give 'em rough on rats. 



112 HOME MADE JINGLES 

ACCOMMODATING. 

I used to feel so bad when I 
Was punished and I'd always cry, 

But that time now is past. 
I'd just as soon be whipped as not 
For whippings are so soon forgot; 

They hurt just while they last. 

Altho' my mother looks real sad, 
I know that she is very glad 

When I'm a naughty boy. 
And so I try to do my part 
And say the things that sound quite smart, 

For they give mother joy. 

She'll say I'm wicked and she'll scold 
And tell me that I am too old 

To bother her that way. 
But, when the neighbors come to call, 
She'll laugh about my capers all. 

''He is so cute," she'll say. 

And then next time I will, of course, 
Feel that I ought to act lots worse, 

Altho' it gives me pain. 
If she wants stuff to talk about, 
I certainly should help her out, 

And so I just raise Cain. 

It's very easy to be bad 

But I won't do it for my dad, 

Because it doesn't pay. 
He has no sense of humor, and, 
Whenever he takes me in hand, 

I'm laid up for the day. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 113 

HIS MOTIVE. 

"Some people are so stupid-like, 

They haven't got no brains. 
They haven't got enough sound sense 

To come in when it rains." 

Old Farmer Greenleaf stroked his beard 
And half closed both his eyes, 

Appearing to his group of friends 
A man grown worldly wise. 

"You seem to think you know it all 

And have the right to speak, 
And tell me I'm an idiot 

Because I'm larnin' Greek. 

"You say I'd better larn to talk 

Good English first of all. 
That shows that ev'ry one o' you 

Have minds most awful small. 

"Perhaps my grammar am't no good. 

But you can understand 
The things what I have got to say. 

What else do I demand? 

"And I propose to fix myself 

For days that are to be, 
For I believe that souls are made 

For immortality. 

"And when I reach the other side 

And relatives I meet, 
I guess that my dead language will 

Get me some grub to eat." 



114 HOME MADE JINGLES 



REFLECTIONS. 

It's interesting to go down town 
And see the sights these days ; 

The merchants in the windows have 
Such elegant displays. 

And yet I don't believe that all 
The women folks who pass 

See what has been arranged behind 
The public looking glass. 

But it's all right, of course it is, 
For how the men do hate 

To see a pretty woman who 
Has not her hat on straight. 

'Tis said that women seldom think, 

But that is quite untrue ; 
They have reflections on the street, 

Because — I know they do. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 115 



A CHANGE OF FAITH. 

He was a dashing millionaire, 

And she a would-be swell, 
So when she met him at the ball 

She liked him pretty well. 

And he in turn was quite impressed 

And often went to call ; 
Quite soon he found that of the girls 

He liked her best of all. 

And then one day he said to her, 

''Oh, won't you be my wife, 
And make me, dear, a happy man 

Throughout the rest of life ?'' 

xA.nd when she told him that she would 

And that she would be true. 
He said, "There's one condition that 

Fd like to name to you. 

** You'll have to leave 3- our church and join 

The one that I call mine. 
Or this proposal that Fve made 

I'd rather 3^ou'd decline." 



ii6 HOME MADE JINGLES 

She said, ''Of course, you know I've been 

A Methodist from birth ; 
Before I change, I'd Hke to know 

How much your offer's worth." 

"I have five milHon in the bank 

And then much property, 
And on our honeymoon we'll spend 

A year across the sea. 

**Now, won't you change your faith ?" he asked, 
"The same time as your name ?" 

Then with a cry of joy she said, 
'I'm willing to be game." 



HOME MADE JINGLES 117 

DISH WASHING. 

If I should ask 
What work all women really hate, 

To find that task, 
Not long would I be forced to wait. 

Yes, we all know 
Dish washing is a great bugbear; 

And long ago 
It made poor housewives wish to swear. 

Three times a day 
The dishes must be washed and dried 

And put away. 
Could patient Job have been more tried 

Than woman who, 
With lofty aim and cultured taste, 

Is made to do 
Such petty things, and her time waste? 

Show me the man 
Who would, with willingness and grace. 

Reverse the plan 
And take his wife's dishwashing place. 

Perhaps a while 
He'd wear his new, ill-fitting yoke, 

And try to smile, 
But shortly he'd begin to croak. 



ii8 HOME MADE JINGLES 

He'd very soon 
Decide such work was not a snap, 

And some fine noon 
He'd take the dishes in his lap, 

And he'd commence 
To hurl them fiercely, one by one, 

Against the fence. 
Until his noble work was done. 

May that time come 
When dishes we'll no longer need ! 

When there'll be somxe 
New-fangled way ourselves to feed. 

If we just could 
Attach the mouth to a small pipe 

Supplying food. 
No dishes would we have to wipe. 

Food meters then 
Would show how much each person ate. 

That's why the men 
This new improvement would soon hate. 

But when we're free 
And have secured dishwashing rights, 

We need not be 
Concerned about their appetites. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 119 

THEIR STUPIDITY. 

''Come quick ! Come quick !" he loudly cried, 

'T want you ev'ry one/' 
So upstairs all his family went — 

His daughters, wife and son. 

"What is it, dear ?" his wife now asked, 

Arriving out of breath, 
"The way you screamed you almost scared 

Us ev'ryone to death." 

"My new gold collar button's lost," 

The husband crossly said, 
While back and forth he wildly paced 

With countenance all red. 

"I laid it on the dresser there, 

A little while ago. 
But where the crazy thing has gone, 

I'm sure I do not know. 

"If you would have some order here 

I'd find my things, I guess, 
But it is quite impossible 

In such a room to dress." 

The daughters now upon their knees 

Were looking ev'rywhere ; 
His wife examined all his shirts 

And found it wasn't there. 



.I20 HOME MADE JIXGLES 

The son was shaking with much care 

The covers on the bed, 
But when he'd looked thro' all of them 

He sadly shook his head. 

''Oh, hurry up," the father said, 
'T can't stay here all day; 

You must think I'm a millionaire 
To waste the time this way. 

"Such stupid folks in all my life 

I'm sure I never knew. 
I'd get some spectacles, I'm sure. 

If I were blind like you." 

Now where that collar button was 
No one could understand, 

Until his youngest daughter said, 
"Why, it's in papa's hand !" 

"Ah, sure enough," the father said, 
"But I should like to know 

Just why you didn't tell me that 
A full half hour ago." 



HOME MADE JINGLES 121 

TEDDY BEARS. 

We are demoralizing all our youth 

And adding to our cares 
By giving to our little boys and girls 

Those foolish Teddy Bears; 
We'll find out that our children will grow up 

With love for beast — not man, 
And we cannot then change their cultured tastes, 

Tho' we may think we can. 

The little girl who hugs her bear and has 

No doll to dress and kiss, 
The sweetest pleasure of her childhood years, 

Unconsciously will miss. 
No vision of a future home v/ill flit 

Across her mind while she 
Is yet a child, and fit her for the sphere 

Of her maturity. 

And, when she is a woman, she will shirk 

A mother's cares and joys. 
Preferring senseless, little poodle dogs 

To loving girls and boys. 
She won't know how to sew the simplest thing. 

Because the Teddy Bear 
That used to sleep with her w^as satisfied 

A coat of fur to wear. 



122 HOME MADE JINGLES 

A plaything that is meant for boys as well as girls 

Young chivalry has wrecked, 
For, placed upon a level with the boys, 

The girls claim no respect. 
The foolish, little animals make both 

Alike in thought and deed. 
With what ideals can horrid Teddy Bears 

The youthful brain cells feed? 

Of women who have Teddy Bears for pets 

I will not deign to speak. 
Since ev'r3'body knows, of course, they are 

The weakest of the weak ; 
And they in homes for feeble-minded should 

Be shut up right away. 
Where they can show the other imbeciles 

Their Teddy Bears each day. 

When Roosevelt went to hunt for bears last fall 

In regions of the west. 
The reason he could find so little game 

I long ago have guessed. 
It was because our bears, more fortunate 

Than we, were given pride. 
And when their ugly images they saw, 

Thev all went off and died. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 123 



AN UNWELCOME VISITOR. 

I'm hidin' in the attic now, 
An' been here all the day, 

In hopes that they will take the hint 
An' throw that kid away. 

If it was like some babies are, 

I wouldn't care a fig, 
But it is nothin' more nor less 

Than just a horrid pig. 

It's got my mamma's hair an' eyes. 
The doctor told the nurse, 

An' it has papa's ears an' mouth, — 
Oh, what could be much worse ! 

I used to love my mamma so. 

But now I do not care 
To see her since that baby took 

Away her eyes an' hair. 

An' it's no wonder that I'm sad 
An' sheddin' lots o' tears, 

For who could like a papa that 
Has got no mouth or ears ? 



124 HOME MADE JINGLES 

That kid must be a funny sight 
With hair that's turnin' gray, 

An' with so much upon its head 
'Twon't be the kind to play. 

An' with such great big ears, of course, 
He'll hear most ev'rything, 

An' with the mouth my papa had 
Much trouble he will bring. 

An' now I'm trying to protect 

A very tender point, 
For I won't let that baby knock 

My nose all out o' joint. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 125 

NOT EASY STREET. 

IVe wandered ev'rywhere about 

And weary are my feet, 
And yet I cannot find the way 

That leads to Easy Street. 

One day I thought that I was there, 

The houses looked so fine, 
And out in front, along the curb, 

Large autos stood in line, 

I asked a man but he looked grave 

And said, 'Oh, mercy, no; 
These houses and these big machines 

Are just put here for show. 

" 'Tis true the people dress in style 

And many servants keep, 
But on their downy beds at night 

They cannot go to sleep. 

"They sail away on pleasure trips 

To many foreign lands. 
But while they're gone their property 

Oft goes to other hands. 



126 HOME MADE JINGLES 

''They entertain their friends at ckibs 
And for the time forget 

How many thousand dollars they 
Already are in debt. 

"And they avoid with wondrous skill 
The men they ought to pay; — 

It is a game of hide and seek 
That lasts from day to day. 

"And so tonight on Easy Street, 
My friend, you cannot lodge, 

But then, perhaps, you'd just as soon 
Stay here awhile on Dodge." 



HOME MADE JINGLES 127 

PALMISTRY. 

When God made man, no doubt, He thought, 
"A noble piece of work I've \vrought, 

One that will breathe and think and act. 
How diff'rent than before his birth 
Will be conditions on the earth. 

The human mind was all it lacked. 
This creature that I've made shall be 
A being- of eternity. 

Three kinds of time to him I'll give. 
The past and present can he know ; 
The Future sealed is better, so 

He need not worry, but can live 
In peace from day to day." 

But curiosity was made 

And in the brain cells firmly laid, 

And man became dissatisfied. 
The present time was brief, he said ; 
The past was buried v/ith the dead; 

For future time he loudly cried. 
The stars were studied with the hope 
That they would give a broader scope. 

Then signs were fastened in the sky 
By men who feigned to understand 
The meaning of the heavens grand, 

And who were not content to die 
Until they'd had their ''say." 



128 HOME MADE JINGLES 

When their descendants saw the signs 
They filled in thoughts between the lines, 

Their fickle fancies thus to please, 
And each one climbed a higher stone 
To reach the regions still unknown — 

The sweet, forbidden fruit to seize. 
And other methods, too, were found. 
Upon the daily-trodden ground. 

Appeared great palmistry. 
And all agreed that God had planned 
A revelation in each hand — 

One which would solve all mystery, 
And lay the future bare. 

Today, can you with brains believe 
That future time, God thus would leave 

In such a ver}^ foolish place? 
How oft He'd have to change the code 
Of signs as we ascend the road 

Of life. I wonder how we'd trace 
The route of touring cars or what 
Would be the sign we'd have or not 

A speedy airship for our own? 
And since not now 'Tn God We Trust, 
Will palms reveal when banks will bust 

And cashier's checks be quickly sown, 
Like sunflow'rs ev'rywliere? 



HOME MADE JINGLES 129 

PUBLIC MANNERS. 

When I'm down town, I notice how 

Ill-mannered people are 
Upon the street, within the stores, 

And oft inside the car. 
Because they do not know one or 

That pleasure soon expect, 
They think they are not duty bound 

To treat one with respect. 

They crowd past strangers on the street 

And push them clear aside, 
Not caring if they hurt poor feet 

Or wound another's pride. 
They do not say, "Excuse me" nor 

Appear as if they'd done 
A thing they should be sorry for — 

They merely hurry on. 

Of course, in winter it's all right 

For offices and stores 
To strain the January air 

By means of great storm doors, 
But they should also put up signs 

In some conspicuous place, 
"It's very rude to slam a door 

In anybody's face." 



I30 HOME MADE JINGLES 

In boarding street cars have you not 

Seen how the people push 
To be the first to get inside 

And for the best seats rush? 
And now and then I've seen tired men 

Give seats to women who 
Would plant themselves within the space 

Without the words ''Thank you." 

Now these same people, no doubt, have 

Good manners stored away. 
But see no use displaying them 

In public ev'ry day. 
But they are making great mistakes, 

For manners are like cloth 
Which needs exposure to the air 

To keep away the moth. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 131 

THE SAME OLD STORY. 

"Now we must have some music," 

The hostess sweetly said, 
When with some good refreshments 
Her company she'd fed. 
''Dear Miss DeFray, 
Won't you please play ?" 

But Miss DeFray, so modest. 

Said with a bashful smile, 
'T am all out of practice 

And have been for some while, 
So really I 
Don't want to try." 

The hostess turned serenely 

Around to Mr. Wing 
And said, "Now, Charlie, won't you 
A pretty love song sing? 
Your voice so clear, 
We'd like to hear." 

But Mr. Wing said, "Really, 
I'd love to sing, of course, 
But I can scarcely whisper — 
You see, I'm very hoarse. 
This whole past week 
I could not speak." 

And now the charming hostess 

Addressed her cultured niece, 
"You will, I know, A.dalia, 

Give us a little piece 



132 HOME MADE JINGLES 

Of music, dear, 
Since you are here." 

"Oh, auntie, no, I cannot — 

I do not play at all 
Without my music, since I 
The notes cannot recall. 
But if I could, 
I gladly would." 

So, one by one refusing, 

Like sticks the guests all sat. 
No wonder that the hostess 

Knew not where she was "at." 
She rubbed her head, 
''Dear me," she said. 

But suddenly, quite happy. 
She gave a merry laugh, 
"All right," she said, "I'll have to 
Get out the phonograph. 
And very soon 
We'll have a tune." 

She quickly fixed the record. 

Then sat down, feeling proud. 
The phonograph was whirring 
But now in accents loud, 
A deep voice rolled, 
"I have a cold." 



HOME MADE JINGLES 133 



AUTUMN LEAVES. 

Thro' all the lovely autumn eves, 
He raked his front yard full of leaves. 
He piled them by the garden gate 
And thought he'd have a bonfire great. 

And when at last the trees stood there, 

Of all their summer clothing bare, 

On one cold, bleak October night. 

He thought the stack of leaves he'd light. 

But round and round the pile he paced 
And said, "It is a shame to waste 
What might perhaps taste very good 
When made into a breakfast food. 

*T've eaten stuff that I know must 
Have been prepared from old sawdust, 
And so I see no reason why 
Another make I shouldn't try." 

And all the leaves he now took in 
His undertaking to begin ; 
For many hours he worked until 
They'd all passed thro' the coffee mill. 



134 HOME MADE JINGLES 

Some brown molasses, thick and slow, 
He poured upon them all, you know, 
And little chunks of butter, too, 
His ground-up leaves he scattered thro' 

He put them in the oven then 
And while they baked he paced again. 
He gave a loud and happy shout, 
When pretty soon he took them out. 

He said, ''I guess I have the goods ! 
It looks just like all breakfast foods, 
And with rich cream and sugar sweet 
'Twill be delicious stuff to eat." 

Upon the market soon he placed 
The old dry leaves he wouldn't waste ; 
"Whatizit" was the nam.e he chose, 
But what it is, nobody knows. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 135 



NAMING THE BABY. 

It seems to me that ever since 

To this old house I came 
They have spent every minute in 

Deciding on my name. 
My mother cries, my father swears, 

My grandpa groans about. 
And grandma sits beside the fire, 

The whole day in a pout. 

My aunts come in and say I'm sweet 

And each one will suggest 
The name she thinks I ought to have- 

The one that suits her best. 
My uncles all opinions have 

Quite different from their wives, 
And such great quarrels will start up, 

I tremble for their lives. 

And friends and neighbors ev'ry day 
Around my cradle stand. 

Repeating many times the namxs 
Which sound to themi so grrand. 



136 HOME MADE JINGLES 

And now some business men down town 

Are added to the list 
Of persons v/ho have made me long 

To use my doubled fist. 

Yet after all the hours of talk 

And endless, cross disputes, 
They cannot find a single name 

That ev'rybody suits. 
Now I should be delighted if 

This nonsense they would quit, 
For if they'd stop just where they are 

I always would be ''it." 



HOME MADE JINGLES 137 



DO IT NOW. 

He often would procrastinate, 

Until he took the vow, 
That he would follow faithfully 

The motto, ''Do It Now." 

So after many years had passed, 
He said, 'Tt is strange how 

I have improved since first I said 
I'd always do it now." 

One day he met a pretty girl 

With intellectual brow; 
He thought, ''Some day I will propose- 

I think I'll do it now." 

But when the honeymoon had passed, 

He didn't like his frau; 
And then he said, "I'll be divorced; 

Ah, yes, I'll do it now." 

But afterwards his conscience would 

No peace of mind allow. 
He said, "I'll drown myself next week- 

In fact, I'll do it now." 



138 HOME MADE JINGLES 



POST CARDS. 

For six long months my wife and I 

Across the sea were touring, 
And many kinds of hardships we 

Were ev'ry day enduring. 
And several times while over there 

My life I felt like ending, 
Because my wife annoyed me so 

By foolish postals sending. 

We had a list ten miles in length 

Of friends who were collecting 
And who from ev'ry place we Vs^ent 

New post cards were expecting. 
My frenzied brain with all those names 

Is still today oft teeming, 
And on my pillow ev'ry night 

Of post cards I am dreaming. 

When people ask about our trip. 

Away I feel like going, 
Because I am quite sensitive 

About my friends all knowing 
How little of our foreign trip 

Within my mind is staying, 
Since "We must buy some postal cards," 

My wife was always saying. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 139 

While other tourists in our crowd 

From us each day v/ere fleeing, 
Because the side attractions they 

Were anxious to be seeing, 
We'd be shut up in some small shop. 

Our bending necks both aching, 
Selections of gay postal cards 

For friends at home fast making. 

How many times we missed our train 

Would sham.e me in the telling. 
Much louder than the engine's toot 

Would be my wife's cross yelling, 
"We cannot go away from here 

Without more post cards getting; 
There still are many persons whom 

You seem to be forgetting." 

And often I would go to bed 

My insides loudly rumbling-. 
Accompanied by the dism.al sounds 

Of sighs and groans and grumbling, 
As meals upon our hurried way 

We were forever losing. 
And all because some postal cards 

My wife and I were choosing. 



140 HOME MADE JINGLES 

Some books of travel now I've bought 

And o'er them I am poring, 
For I should like to know the names 

Of countries we were touring. 
But as I read I often jump 

And grab my hat, loud crying, 
''We'll have to hurry up for we 

More post cards must be buying." 



HOME MADE JINGLES 141 

GUMOLOGY. 

If there's one thing that pleases me 
More than aught else I know of 

It is to see the girl who makes 
Her mouth and jaws a show of. 

The girl, I mean, who always has, 

No matter what she's doing, 
A wad of gum within her mouth. 

Which she is always chewing. 

I like her, for I know that she 

In other faults is lacking; 
She has no thought for other things 

While both her lips are smacking. 

When she is sitting in the car, 

She makes a fine impression ; 
She looks so very innocent 

With such a blank expression. 

And always in department stores, 
While over goods I'm picking. 

It helps me greatly in my choice 
To hear the clerk's mouth clicking. 

So here is to the girl who chews 

On land or on the ocean ! 
We owe her much, for in her mouth 

We find perpetual motion. 



142 HOME MADE JINGLES 



HIS FAMILY. 

His wife had gone a-sailing 
Across the summer sky, 

And as the airship vanished 
Had waved to him good by. 

His daughter was a-touring 
The state in her machine, 

And for a week or over 

Her home she had not seen. 

His son had gone a-spinning 

Along the river side 
Upon his motor cycle, 

Which was his greatest pride. 

The father sat a-rocking 

The baby on his knee 
And thought, 'That little go-cart 

Is all that's left for me." 



HOME MADE JINGLES 143 

HIS EXHIBIT. 

The bach'lor deeply sighed and said, 

'T lead an empty life ; 
The horse show comes next week and I 

Have neither horse nor wife. 

'T'd like to go, upon my word, 

But I would be called slow. 
Unless I had some finery 

To make a little show." 

At last the auditorium 

Threw wide its pond'rous doors, 
And soon around the wall there were 

Fine hats and gowns by scores. 

The bach'lor, too, was there, and all 

The people wisely said 
The lady who beside him sat 

In style and richness led, 

For ev'ry one looked at her gown, 

With jewels covered o'er, 
And at her hat — a larger one 

They had not seen before. 

The bach'lor sat and Vv^aited till 
The crowd had homeward gone. 

And then he picked up, in his arms. 
His lady, and moved on. 

''Now I'm convinced," he softly said, 

"That clothes are all they see. 
And so this dummy that I bought 

Is wife enough for me." 



144 HOME MADE JINGLES 



THE VALUE OF POVERTY. 

Have you not noticed how the greatest men 

All claim that they were one time poor, 
And how they boast about the hardships which 

Their poverty made them endure? 
They cannot paint the pictures of their homes 

In shades too dull and dark and cold 
To suit the public and to make themselves 

Brave heroes now when they are old. 

'Twould not sound well for them to tell how they 

Were reared in homes of wealth and ease, 
Where they had all advantages and could 

Go where and do just what they'd please. 
They know we'd give no credit to the man 

Who was by parents always pushed, 
Vv'ho'd traveled many times around the world 

And was thro' school and college rushed. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 145 

Altho' I think the poor man's son, who was 

Compelled to spend his youthful days 
In struggles for himself, does not deserve 

Such credit nor such public praise 
As does the rich man's son who tries to reach 

The lofty heights of real renown, 
Since from the hillside where he climbs he must 

Temptations numerous cast down. 

However, boys, if modern fame you would achieve, 

Seek poverty without delay ; 
No admiration you'll receive until 

From father's wealth you turn away. 
Or else go down among the slums and take 

Of some poor home a small .map shot 
And call it yours when you're renowned, or you 

Will be appreciated not. 



146 HOME MADE JINGLES 



A DISHONEST GROCER. 

One time there was a grocery man 
^^'ho sold good things to eat. 

Whenever he would have a chance, 
His customers he'd cheat. 

His scales were fixed so that they would 
Give much less than a pound. 

And people who bought twelve good eggs 
Eleven old ones found. 

When any one to him complained, 

The grocery man w^ould sigh 
And say : 'T am an honest man, 

Than cheat I'd rather die." 

The people, thinking him. sincere, 

Did not cut off their trade, 
Until at last the grocery man 

Within his grave was laid. 

An epitaph upon his tomb, 

By customers was placed, 
And it's there yet if it has not 

By Vv'eather been erased. 

It reads : '"'Here lies John Peterson, 

Dishonest thro' and thro' ; 
His victims hope the devil v/ill 

Give him a short wait, too." 



HOME MADE JINGLES 147 

JUST THE THING. 

''Photographer, I've spent much time 

In fixing for my pose, 
For, tho' I am not in my prime, 

To look young I propose. 

As ev'rybody knows, 
The people who have reached my stage 
Are anxious to conceal their age 

When pride within them flows. 

''This is my daughter's party dress 

Which she said I might wear. 
It's rather gay, I must confess. 

But then I do not care. 

And I have curled my hair, 
Altho' I've always worn it straight, 
I thought I'd be clear up-to-date 

And have a stylish air. 

"I hope you'll make my hair look black, 

You see it's almost white. 
If you can't bring the color back 

'Twill be an ugly sight. 

And then you musn't slight 
My neck and arms, which now are bare. 
But make them look real plump and fair; 

Put wrinkles out of sight. 



148 HOME MADE JINGLES 

"Now I will make it worth 3^our while 

To give me youth and grace. 
Please try your best to make me smile, 

For I'd be in disgrace 

To have the slightest trace 
Of this deep frown I've always worn 
My costly photograph adorn, 

And spoil my made-up face." 

The camera man seemed lost in thought. 

At last he shook his head — 
"Such miracles today cannot be wrought,- 

The time for them has fled. 

But I have here," he said, 
"A kind assistant, young and fair, 
With dimpled cheeks and coal black hair, 

Who'll pose for you instead." 



HOME MADE JINGLES 149 



HIS BOAST. 

"I've written much for magazines," 

The would-be writer said, 
"And sketches for the papers, too." 

He proudly tossed his head. 

"I wrote two stories just last week 
For Munsey, don't you know, 

And to McClure's a poem I 
Sent just a week ago. 

"And Harper's I have written for 

A dozen times at least; 
Some articles I'm writing now 

For papers in the east. 

"My friend, I am the author of 

A dozen novels, too. 
My last book has a splendid plot. 

Which I am sure is new." 

"What works of yours are published, sir ?" 
Was asked when he had done. 

The young man blushed a crimson red 
And softly answered, "None." 



150 HOME MADE JINGLES 



POLICY. 

Each Sunday he stood up and told 

His congregation how 
They ought to cHng fast to the truth 

And ought to do it now. 

He said it was a wicked sin 

To tell the smallest lie, 
And that they all would suffer for 

Their falsehoods by and by. 

The people then would leave the church, 

With faces sad and long, 
For ev'ryone could well recall 

A time he had done wrong. 

And they would all resolve at once 

To lead a better life, 
To tell the truth, whate'er it cost. 

No matter what the strife. 

But one day Browne, a wicked man, 

A miser, too, and mean. 
Was taken sick and on the street 

He nevermore was seen. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 151 

And at the church his funeral 

Was very large and swell, 
And ev'rvwhere the flowers made 

A sweet, ethereal smell. 

And now the minister stood up 

And gently on the bier 
He let flow from his downcast eye 

An artificial tear. 

He said how sad it was to lose 

A man so good and true, 
For such great, noble hearts as Browne's 

Were certainly quite few. 

The people wondered how he could 

Face them with such a lie, 
And it occurred to them that he 

Would suffer by and by. 

But though not one of them approved 

Of such hypocrisy. 
They smothered all their sentiments 

For it was policy. 



152 HOME MADE JINGLES 



NOBODY CARED. 

Each day the gard'ner passed the house 

And called as he passed by, 
"Oh, canteloupe ! oh, canteloupe ! 

Oh, canteloupe !" he'd cry. 
The children on the street would then 

Take up the loud refrain, 
And "Canteloupe, oh, canteloupe!" 

Would sound and sound again. 
At last the man within the house 

His usual patience lost 
And with an oath, upon the floor, 

His morning paper tossed. 
"Look here," he yelled in angry voice, 

"You do not think I hope 
That anybody cares a rap 

Because you can't elope?" 



HOME MADE JINGLES 153 

BEFORE CHRISTMAS. 

Christmas is all right for children, 

And it's mighty nice for mas, 
But it is a horrid business 

For the poor, hard-working pas. 
Yes, the men folks have to pay for 

All the nicknacks and the toys, 
If they want to keep the love of 

Their dear wives and girls and boys. 

I am thankful for the kisses 

That I'm getting these cold nights, 
For they come in such profusion 

That they pay for bygone slights. 
It is nice to find my slippers 

Warm as toast beside the grate, 
And to get no word of scolding 

If I make the dinner late. 

But the mornings, oh, the mornings, 

When I start to go down town ! 
If I don't shell out the dollars, 

I am glared at with a frown. 
Yet, as soon as in my pockets, 

Both my hands are out of sight. 
All my family will hug me 

And will say I am all right. 



154 HOME MADE JINGLES 

I am forced to g"o out shopping 

With my wife and then with Sue, 
Then with Lottie, Fred, and Lucy, 

And with Johnnie, Joe and Lou. 
They all want to have my judgment 

They will very sweetly say. 
And I let them keep on thinking 

I was born just yesterday. 

There are aunts and there are uncles. 

There are cousins without end. 
Oh, the relatives and neighbors ! — 

Ev'ry one is now a friend. 
But there is no use protesting; 

I must grin and do my part, 
Or my wife will call me "miser" 

And insist I have no heart. 

I am very glad that Christmas, 

With its talked-of mirth and cheer, 
Doesn't have the fault of coming 

More than just once ev'ry year. 
And while Christmas bells are ringing, 

I will then express relief; 
I will blow a trumpet loudly 

On my annual handkerchief. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 155 



THE UMBRELLA PLANT. 

Umbrellas are the hardest thing 
For me to keep on hand, 

And where they go I can't explain, 
I do not understand. 

So when the florist told me that 
Umbrella plants would grow 

Umbrellas by the dozen, why 
I purchased one, you know. 

I put it in the garden and 

I watered it with care, 
Expecting ev'ry day to see 

Umbrellas growing there. 

And sure enough when winter came- 
I know you'll be am^azed — 

By actual count I found that ten 
Umbrellas I had raised. 



156 HOME MADE JINGLES 



A PSALM OF MONEY. 

Tell me not with groans and sighing 

That a panic's in the air, 
For there is no use denying 

It is nothing but a scare. 

Money's coming, money's growing, 
And the poor farm's not our doom, 

Hence, there is no object throwing 
Over us this horrid gloom. 

Not great riches and not needing 

Is the outcome of today. 
So cheer up and go on leading 

All your friends to be more gay. 

Tears are sad and grief's depressing, 
But some hearts are made of lead, 

And oftimes black shrouds we're pressing, 
For our loved ones not yet dead. 

In the present money pinches, 

In the golden eagle fight, 
Do not be the one who clinches 

Ev'ry copper cent in sight. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 157 

Trust the bankers, e'en tho' failing, 
Let them have your cash a while, 

Spend the dollars you are nailing, — 
You'll get for each inch a mile. 

Lives of millionaires remind us 

It is good to have much gold. 
But we have to leave behind us 

All our wealth when we are cold. 

Our wealth that perhaps another 

Claiming that he is an heir 
Or a loving, long-lost brother, 

Will be sowing ev'rywhere. 

Let us then be up and spending 
With a smile for those we pass, 

Sometimes giving, sometimes lending, 
Let the panic go to grass ! 



158 HOME MADE JINGLES 



PRICE MARKS. 

Merchants, merchants, don't you know 

That we're on to you ? 
Don't you think w^e understand, 

Little tricks you do? 
Tho' to fool us ev'ry day 

You, no doubt, take pains. 
Give us credit, dry goods men, 

For possessing brains. 

When you advertise that goods 

Now must be sold cheap, 
We know that a harvest you 

Never fail to reap. 
We're not taken in by sales, 

Not a single bit, 
As you would not undersell 

For our benefit. 

There are prices on your goods — 

Usually just two; — 
One is meant to be the old. 

And the other new. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 159 

Yes, the former one is high 

And the latter low ; — 
Wonderful how you can slash 

All your prices so ! 

If you really would reduce 

As you'd have us think, 
Deep into a hole you would 

Very quickly sink. 
So don't waste your time, dear sirs, 

This way any more, 
Tho' it's easy to make tags 

Just the day before. 



i6o HOME MADE JINGLES 



THE NEW YEAR. 

Happy New Year, men and women, 

Happy New Year, girls and boys ! 
Let me wish you all sincerely 

Twelve months brimming full of joys. 
May new hopes and aspirations 

Stir within your hearts today, 
Scaring last year's disappointments 

From your memories away. 

Turn around and face the sunshine 

With its constant warmth and cheer, 
Firm resolving you will seek it 

Ev'ry day throughout the year. 
Clouds which darken 3'Our horizon, 

While 3^ou're gazing toward the light. 
Are collections of thin vapor 

Which will soon drift out of sight. 

Let unselfish love for others 

Prompt you oft to noble deeds : — 

Flowers blooming by the roadside 
Are more beautiful than weeds. 



HOME MADE JINGLES i6i 

Thro' life's mazes we all wander, 

Many stumble as tho' blind, 
So a helping hand be often 

Stretching forth to lift mankind. 

May this New Year be much better 

Than the other years you've passed; 
Let it be a strong foundation 

Built to hold your future fast. 
Use enough good bricks and mortar 

So your edifice won't shake, 
When the earth begins to tremble 

With a San Francisco quake. 



i62 HOME MADE JINGLES 



FREE ADVICE. 

He had a horrid cold that day, 
But went down town to woriv, 

For, tho' he felt just terrible. 
No duty would he shirk. 

Upon the street he met a man 

Who very kindly said, 
''Just take a good, hot bath tonight 
Before you go to bed." 

Around the corner then he saw 

His cousin, Mr. Wade, 
Who told him he must surely drink 

Some red-hot lemonade. 

His partner in the office said, 
''That cold to you will cling, 

Until you try my remedy, 
Which is a whisky sling." 

The young stenographer turned round 

And said, 'T think it's best 
To put some lard and turpentine 

Tonight upon your chest." 



HOME MADE JINGLES 163 

At once the office boy looked up 
And said, ''I know what's fine. 

There's nothing that will help you, sir, 
More quickly than quinine." 

And now a client wandered in, 

"You have a cough — Oh, my ! 
If I were you, I'd hurry up 

And take some rock and rye." 

And thus it was the whole day long. 
The cures came thick and fast. 

And he was glad when it was time 
To go out home at last. 

His pockets were all bulging out 

With bundles, large and small, 
For, as each remedy was good, 

He thought he'd try them all. 

And since that night, he's never had 

A cold and never will. 
For he is lying peacefully 

At rest in Prospect Kill. 



i64 HOME MADE JINGLES 



BLUE SUNDAYS. 

You may talk about your Sundays 
Being blue for men who are 

Kept from riding on a trolley 
And from buying a cigar. 

You may blow about the city 
Having taken this good streak 

In forbidding down-town labor 
On the first of ev'ry week. 

Ah, but how about the women, 

Have you thought of their toil yet? 

They're the ones who break the Sabbath 
And this fact please don't forget. 

They would much prefer to linger 

In the parlor with a book, 
But they have to haunt the kitchen 

And the Sunday dinner cook. 

Yes, and often, very often — 

It is sad, I must confess — 
They are asked to pause while cooking 

And their husbands' trousers press. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 165 

Then again up in the bath room 
They must break God's holy rule, 

If they want their Neds and Susies 
To look nice in Sunday school. 

And perhaps the tiny stockings 
Have great windows in the toes, 

Or a handkerchief is lacking 
For some darling, little nose. 

But the patient, weary mothers 
Go on smiling with their work, 

For not even on the Sabbath 
Would they any duty shirk. 

They look forward to the evening, 

When the children are in bed, 
To a little bit of pleasure 

When the papers can be read. 

But now that will be denied them 
If the men down town don't go, 

For they'll have to spend their leisure 
Entertaining them, you know. 

So in speaking of blue Sundays, 

Please consider women most. 
As to men, who cause all trouble. 

Let them have their Sunday roast. 



i66 HOME MADE JINGLES 

KNOWLEDGE. 

Life is too short to spend so many years 

In quest of learning. 
Hence, it is time that from the old hard paths 

We now were turning. 
How empty are the baby's brains when on 

His journey starting. 
What toil it takes to fill them up — and soon 

With them he's parting. 

Thro' all his childhood's fleeting days, at school 

He must be working, 
Receiving punishment, if any task 

He would be shirking. 
And after four years of his precious youth 

At college spending. 
He knows that even then 'neath wisdom's weight 

He is not bending. 

He must forever dig the stony paths 

He would be trodding. 
And keep his eyes turned from the sun while he 

Is always plodding. 
And when at last he feels his weary life 

From him is going, 
He sighs to think he must pass on without 

More knowledge knowing. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 167 

Since man}^ brilliant scientists this age 

Is now possessing, 
'Twould be to all humanity a great 

And wondrous blessing, 
If in some little tablets they would put 

The germs of knowledge. 
So that they'd be a substitute for work 

At school and college. 

Ambitious people then would surely have 

Some time for resting. 
And they would now and then, perhaps, indulge 

In harmless jesting. 
I'm confident that all the newly rich 

Would be quite willing 
To buy and swallow little polished pills 

Of grammar filling. 



i68 HOME MADE JINGLES 



A SCORCHER. 

It's true that scorchers have great sport 
In whizzing down the street, 

And scaring half to death the men 
And women whom they meet. 

They go so fast that who they are 

It's pretty hard to tell, 
And all they leave behind for us 

Is just that horrid smell. 

But never mind, the time will come 

When they will sorry be 
For tearing down the steepest hills 

With such rapidity. 

So we won't try to roast them here ; 

It's not worth while, you know, 
But let them keep it up until 

They're scorching down below. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 169 



A QUESTION. 

I'd like to be a scientist, 

Indeed I really should, 
But when it comes down to the point, 

I don't suppose I could. 

It's not because I don't believe 
That what they say is true; 

But it's because I can't perform 
The miracles they do. 

One time I had a bad toothache 

That lasted all the day. 
And tho' I said it didn't ache, 

It wouldn't go away. 

I've had the rheumatism bad 
And suffered much with pain. 

Whene'er I said it didn't hurt, 
I said it quite in vain. 

And now I have a cold or grippe, 
If that name pleases you. 

And tho' I tell you I am well 
It is a fib — ki-choo ! 



170 HOME MADE JINGLES 

So, like clear old George Washington, 

I cannot tell a lie ; 
I'd rather suffer pain on earth 

Than later when I die. 

You see I'm from Missouri and 
Som^e things they'll have to show 

About their scientific church 
Which I should like to know. 

If mind is all and matter's naught, 
As by them I've been told, 

What is the m.atter v/hen all mind 
The maiter when it's cold? 



HOME MADE JINGLES 171 



UNMASK! 

Unmask, for it is New Year's eve ; 

The old }:ear is departing. 
Uncovered, squarely face yourself, 

Before the new year starting. 
If you're ashamed of what you see 

Beneath the coat of varnish, 
It's time to take a scrubbing brush 

And rub off all the tarnish. 

Unmask, while you are given pow'r, 

To do your own removing, 
For while you breathe the breath of life, 

You ought to be imxproving; 
Review your past with careful thought, 

Your good and bad deeds weighing, 
And ask yourself if your career 

Is worth the price you're paying. 

Unm.ask, for it's the proper time 

To give your soul inspection, 
And when you knov/ what it requ.'res 

Give all its 



172 HOME MADE JINGLES 

If it has been abused this year 
Don't waste tonight in sorrow, 

But g-rit your teeth and say, "I will 
Begin new life tomorrow." 

Unmasked, experience the new 

And self-respected feeling, 
And notice all the noble thoughts 

Within your bosom stealing. 
You may feel weak at first if vou've 

Had deviled ham for diet, 
But you'll grow strong quite rapidly 

On angel food — just try it. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 173 

BRAIN FOOD. 
When I consider what great books there are 

And what grand thoughts they all contain, 
The knowledge that they now are seldom read 

Oft makes me sad and gives me pain. 
Of course, on all well-stocked library shelves 

They occupy a certain space, 
But oh, how long a time they have to wait 

Before they're taken from their place. 
Most persons do not know the benefit 

And joy they would derive, if they 
Would spend a little portion of their time 

In reading good books ev'ry day. 
Just as the body needs its exercise 

And wholesome food of ev'ry kind. 
So ought much time and care be given to 

Developing the human mind. 
If brains could be exposed to view instead 

Of being hidden far inside 
The head, in moulding our grey matter v/e, 

No doubt, would take more pains and pride. 
We'd be ashamed to let our neighbors see 

The poor, diseased, and crippled state. 
Our brains were in. We would the shrunken cells 

With literary breath inflate. 
Those who had mental indigestion caused 

By latest novel diets might 
Take Shakespeare tonic for a while at least 

To stimulate their appetite. 
They'd see the fatal, weakening effect. 

They'd realize how minds were hurt. 
By giving them so much newspaper hash 

And spicy magazine dessert. 



174 HOME MADE JINGLES 



TRANSMIGRATION OF SOULS. 

Transmigration of souls is an old-time belief 

Held by persons in ancient days schooled, 
But today it is lightly passed over and oft 

By great scientists much ridiculed. 
Tho' there's much in the doctrine that I don't be- 
lieve, 

The essential rule strikes me as true — 
I'm convinced that the characteristics of man ; 

The low animal stage have passed thro'. 

Now some persons I'm sure were at one time old cats. 

Of their presence you cannot lose track. 
For, altho' you may drop them again and again, 

You know well they v/ill always come back. 
And the persons who spend all their life on the road 

And from trunks cannot shake themselves free. 
Are as awkward and restless when in their own homes 

As an elephant ever would be. 

I have often seen women with manners so sly 
That I've thought they resembled a fox, 



HOME MADE JINGLES 175 

And the ladies who make grand displays 01 their 
clothes 

Are a species of lovely peacocks. 
And the maiden so pretty, yet modest and shy, 

Who will sometimes skip off when you're near, 
Oft impresses the men with the fact she's a prize, 

But tney soon will find out she's a deer. 

And right on down the line, you can trace the descent 

Of the soul from its animal stage, 
Until now it's arrived in its present day form 

And enjoying the life of this age. 
Let me add, if you do not believe what I've said, 

You can prove it yourself in this v/ay — 
Just name over your friends, who at one time, were 
geese, 

And are monkeys, yes, big ones, today. 



1/6 HOME MADE JIXGLES 

AFFECTATION. 

I have wondered as Fve watched them, 

Who some persons think they are, 
For their mianners, so affected, 

Give my nerves a painful jar. 
They seem trying to impress one 

Ev'ry time they make a miove, 
That they're charming or attractive, 

But this fact they'll have to prove. 

For those, liking imitations. 

Persons of this stamp will do. 
But such open counterfeiting 

Is admired by very few. 
When I buy a silver teaspoon, 

I search for the sterling sign. 
For tho' it is nicely plated, 

I don't want cheap goods for mine. 

\Mien I see a vroman smiling 

With a smile that's not her own, 
I desire to gaze upon her 

Som.etime when she is alone. 
For I'd really like to see her 

^^'hen she is her natural self, 
After she has laid her manners 

\\'ith her false hair on a shelf. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 177 

I should like to put a question 

To my readers, near and far — 
Why do people when they're airy 

Hate the little letter R? 
Those who used to knife their pie crust 

Now speak of a knife and ''fo'k." 
Would they have us think, I wonder, 

They were "bo'n back in New Yo'k?" 

Yet I can't help feeling sorry, 

And my heart with pity melts, 
When I see a person striving 

To be like som.ebody else. 
For it is a proof he isn't 

Blessed v/ith very mAich real pride. 
Or he wouldn't show so plainly 

That himself he wants to hide. 



1/8 HOME MADE JINGLES 



GOING, NOT GONE. 

The neighbor rose and said, 'T think 

It's time for me to go ; 
I've stayed much longer than I had 

Intended, don't you know." 

"Oh, do sit down," the hostess said, 

*Tt's early yet, my dear ; 
I haven't seen you for so long, 

Altho' you live so near." 

''I know it is a shame that I 

Am not more neighborly. 
But I have so much work to do — 

I sew continually." 

"Oh, yes, indeed, I know you do," 

The charming hostess said. 
While thoughts of dinner yet to cook 

Went chasing thro' her head. 

"But v/hen you're here, you ought to stay 

At least a little while ; 
Now do sit down and talk some more," — 

She smiled her sweetest smile. 

The neighbor had already moved 

A little toward the door. 
But looked more stationary than 

She had appeared before. 

"I'd like to stay," she said, "but I 
I^.iust te-rir myself away; 



HOME MADE JINGLES 179 

I'll come again, dear Mrs. Brown. 
Perhaps, next week I may." 

"Why won't she go?" the hostess thought; 

"Already it is late ; 
I wonder how much longer she 

Intends to stand and wait?" 

The neighbor then went on to say 

How often she had planned 
To call, but where the time had gone 

She could not understand. 

Then Mrs. Brown grew desperate 

And said, "Dear Mrs. White, 
I'd really love to have you stay 

And dine with us tonight." 

A frightend look now glistened in 

The caller's pretty eyes — 
"Is it so late as that?" she asked 

In evident surprise. 

"Why, really, now, since you insist 

Upon my staying here, 
Your invitation I'll accept, 

Altho' I ought not, dear." 

Then with a happy, little smile. 

Dear Mrs. White sat down, 
While to the kitchen, in posthaste. 

Went angry Mrs. Brown. 



i8o HOME MADE JINGLES 

NOT FOR ME. 

I hate to think that women 

Are fools about their clothes, 
And yet it is a fact that 

Most ev'rybody knows. 
Dame Fashion has assurance 

Her smallest whim we'll heed 
And that we'll follow gladly 

^\'herever she may lead. 

She tells us just exactly 

The gowns that we must wear 
And how we have to fasten 

Dead rats within our hair. 
Altho' we look like scarecrows 

We go upon the street; 
I wonder we don't frighten 

The autos that we meet. 

She's made us use our dresses 

For brooms to sweep the ground, 
Collecting horrid microbes 

That ev'ry where abound. 
And now she's made us chop off 

One third of ev'ry skirt 
So that Jack Frost is likely 

Our little feet to hurt. 



HOME MADE JINGLES i8i 

And I with all the others 

Obeyed her queer commands, 
And let my whole appearance 

Be clay within her hands, 
Tho' often I was startled 

By work she had performed. 
On looking in the mirror, 

I've thought myself deformed. 

But all things have a limit 

And now I draw the line ; 
There'll be no heathen earrings 

In any ears of mine. 
I'd just as soon have hanging 

And flashing ev'ry night, 
In each one of my nostrils, 

A small electric light. 



i82 HOME MADE JIXGLES 



MADE OA'ER. 

She was a stylish woman, for 

She understood the way 
To make her old last season's clothes 

The fashion of today. 

She knew just how to renovate 

The style of any gown, — 
Long skirts were shortened skillfully 

And sleeves turned up side down. 

She'd change the color of her hats 
From white or pink to blue, 

And bows and feathers from the store 
A\^ould make them look like new. 

And when it came to cooking, then 

She really did excel, 
And it was just because she could 

Make over things so well. 

She had a husband, who in youth 
The wildest things would do. 

But now he is a saint because 
She made him over, too. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 183 

IF GEORGE COULD SPEAK. 

Once more my birthday's come around, 

Again my praises must be sung, 
Tho' many years with my old name, 

America has loudly rung. 
I often wish you'd let me lie 

In peace within my narrow grave, 
For I am tired of hearing that 

I was a hero, true and brave. 

The little cherry tree which you, 

Keep telling children that I cut, 
No longer is a cherry tree. 

For it is now a great chestnut. 
If I had chopped my father's tree, 

I would have given dad the slip. 
Since no confession would have saved 

Me from the lashes of his whip. 

Now do not think that I'm a crank. 

Because I don't appreciate 
The way the anniversary of 

My birth you all still celebrate. 
I merely wish you'd bear in mind 

I was a man the same as you. 
And had my share of faults and sins 

And made a lot of blunders, too. 



i84 HOME MADE JINGLES 

It's been a long time since I sat 

Within the presidential chair, 
But ever since I had that seat 

I have been loaded down with care. 
"The Father of His Country" is 

The title you have given me. 
Has Teddy Roosevelt aught to say 

About my whole dear family? 

Your hero worship makes me smile, 

And sometimes causes me much pain. 
For I know how you'd hoot at me, 

If I'd appear on earth again. 
I'd be the worst back number that 

Most anyone would choose to meet, 
And as I'd dodge your autos, all 

The dogs would chase me down the street. 

I'm very sorry I was born 

Upon the twenty-second, for 
It looks to me as tho' you'll keep 

This business up forevermore. 
Another day, and I would not 

Have felt I was obliged to urge 
You thus to let me rest — it would 

Have been just twenty-three for George. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 185 



MY NEW MAMMA. 

I don't like mammas when you buy 'em ready-made 
Like papa did. I wisht a higher price he'd paid 

And got one made to order. 
My papa seems to think that she is very nice, 
But guess, if he would stop and think about her twice, 

He'd feel like I do toward 'er. 

My firstest mamma died about three months ago 
And me and papa felt just awful bad, you know, 

And I was dreadful sorry 
For papa, 'cause each night he used to cry and cry. 
And I was scared for fear he might get sick and die, 

But he said, "Don't you worry!" 

And soon he came a-luggin' home this other one 
And smilin' awful happy-like he said, ''My son, 

Here is a bran new mother." 
But I just stood and sized her up a minute and 
I said, "She isn't new at all. She's second hand. 

I'd go and buy another." 



1 86 HOME MADE JINGLES 

My other mamma used to be so good and kind. 
She was the bestest mamma you could ever find, 

But papa used to scold 'er. 
And when to this new mamma he was so poHte, 
I put a great big beetle in her ear one night. 

''He'll change some day," I told 'er. 

Bob Smith says papa made a match when he 
Brought my new mamma home that night to give to 
me, 
But that's a funny notion. 
'Tain't true, 'cause if there'd been a spark 'round any 

place, 
I guess, with all the powder on my mamma's face, 
There'd been a big explosion. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 187 

VACCINATION. 

It was true the smallpox raged 

Ev'rywhere about, 
And the people felt they should 

Try to stamp it out. 
Vaccination was the means 

That must be employed, 
Tho' the process wasn't one 

That could be enjoyed. 

One by one the children went 

To the doctor there. 
And with sleeves all rolled up high 

Stood with arms quite bare. 
'Twas a duty that they must 

Ev'ry one perform, 
To avoid the school board's wrath 

And perchance a storm. 

But at last a little girl 

Started fast away, 
"You can't vaccinate me, sir," 

She was heard to say. 
"I'm a Christian Scientist, 

So you must allow 
Absent treatment for my arm — 

And I'll take it now." 



HOME MADE JINGLES 



FALL MILLINERY. 

For our new hats we looked about 

And hunted ev'rywhere, 
Until at last we all gave up 

And went home in despair. 

'Twas not because there were no hats. 
But they were far too high 

For anyone but millionaires' 
Or bankers' wives to buy. 

But on our rounds we'd taken in 
The leading styles, of course, 

And all agreed with one assent 
They could not be much worse. 

And so we said Vv^e thought that we 
Some headgear would create, 

And if we looked like wild west shows 
We'd be quite up-to-date. 

And then we took our last 3'ear's hats 
And put the backs in front — 

To have most of the brim behind 
Is now the proper stunt. 



HOME MADE JINGLES 189 

We took our feather duster from 

It's place behind the door, 
And such a bath in gasoHne 

It never had before. 

But when upon my sister's head 

The duster's feathers sat. 
We girls declared we'd never seen 

A more becoming hat. 

For Sunday dinner then we all 

Indulged in chicken stew, 
As we had figured out that we 

Could use the feathers, too. 

We dipped them in some blueing which 

For washday we had made, 
And on my other sister's hat 

They were a lovely shade. 

And now I'm waiting patiently 

Until Thanksgiving's o'er. 
And when they see my turkey plumes, 

My sisters will feel sore. 



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